PARTAAAAAAAAAAAY! What’s up, guys? It’s me, Kat! The dude, who is, like, soooooo old who usually writes this column said I could take over for a week. SO WHO’S READY TO GET FREAKIN’ WASTED!!!! I know one person who is — me! Yeah, so I had a bit of a rough time out there on Survivor last night. Almost as rough as that time I attempted to fart 13 times on 13 different people while downing 13 shots of tequila. That was so rad. People were like “Why are you doing that?” and I was all “Because it’s crazy awesome!” I even came up with a name for it: The Windbreakers Dozen. Don’t try and steal it because I trademarked that. What’s a trademark? I have no idea! Some dude who was holding the beer bong funnel at this completely awesome party I was at said to trademark it so, I was like “Hell, yeah!”
So, I guess I’m supposed to talk about the episode. Man, that Kim is such a meanie. Meanie, meanie, meanie. She never lets me win anything. I swear sometimes I think that girl is going to come over and knock over my blocks and steal my sippy cup. And that would totally stink because my sippy cup is filled with hardcore grain alcohol. HOLLA! And the fact that I lost to a 28-year-old is just, like, embarrassing. What, did she walk with the dinosaurs or something? LAME! I thought a blindside would be super fun and exciting, and guess what? It’s totally not. What’s that about? Stupid no-fun blindside. Why can’t there be a swim up bar or something at Tribal Council? I would never come party Spring Break style at that dump. Let’s crawl on over to my cousin Robby to see what he thinks.
Kat: “OMG! OMG! OMG!”
Robby brings up a good point. Perhaps I should have been a bit more strategic with whom I brought with me to the reward challenge. But when I analyzed the situation I felt that…Hmmm, is this bikini awesome or what? Polka dots are fun. I like fun. Fun is fun. Wait, what was I talking about again? Strategy? Ugh. BO-RING! Let’s put on some LMFAO, get some margaritas, and get HAMMERED! Who’s with me? Wow, writing is super hard. John from Samoa and Jimmy T from Nicaragua told me it was a breeze, but they’re so old I don’t know why I listened to them. Forget them and forget this. Yo, old dude, come back and write your stupid recap about stupid stuff that is so stupid that it’s stupid you’re writing about it.. I’m outta here. BODY SHOTS!
Hey, all. Sorry about that. Looks like you’re stuck with me, your regularly scheduled recapper, again. I’d like to apologize for that false start, but I had a feeling it might not last long after Kat asked to be paid in 2-for-1 Fat Tuesday coupons. So you’re back to me. Let’s take this bad boy from they very top.
Tonight’s episode starts with something completely different — Alicia telling us how stupid Christina is. However, Alicia is now rethinking her drink and wondering if Christina might be a good person to bring to the final 3. This is a relatively hilarious point being made by Alicia because by making it she is assuming that people will vote to give her a million dollars — against anyone. “Little to do they know, I’m at the top controlling everything,” she says. “I’m the most powerful player in this game.” Yeah, that’s hilarious too. The only power you hold in this game, Alicia, is the power to wear hideously tacky bathing suits.
NEXT: Warning — loved ones ahead