I should be celebrating. Cracking open cans of Milwaukee’s Best. Reciting Wizard of Oz lyrics like “Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!” Or better yet, making like Mick Jagger and David Bowie and recreating their entire Live Aid-inspired 1985 video for “Dancing in the Streets.” I should be high-fiving random dudes and dudettes, and when they reply that nobody has actually high-fived in 20 years (how lame is the fist bump, by the way?), I should just look at them and scream, “They do now, mother#&%$@*! Here, have a Milwaukee’s Best!” I should be gong cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs because NaOnka, the Nicaraguan nightmare, is finally gone.
But I can’t. Because I’m feeling something else: frustration. Frustrated that this cast of Survivor: Nicaragua continues to assert itself as the lamest of the lame. Seemingly half of them have tried to quit this season already at one point or another, and now, with just 11 days left, two of them (NaOnka and Silent Kelly) actually did it at the same time. Frustrated that the quitting ordeal was dragged out for the entire episode. Frustrated that pretty much the only part of the episode that didn’t involve quitting was a freakin’ advertisement for Gulliver’s Travels. (What is this, Big Brother?) Frustrated that Probst allowed the two quitters to have their torches snuffed and didn’t toss said torches onto the ground a la Osten in Pearl Islands. Frustrated that two quitters actually get to appear on the jury. (I totally would have barred them from voting at the end. You don’t want to play the game any more? Fine, you’re not playing the game, which means you don’t get to vote — since voting is probably the biggest decision in the game. If the producers wanted to truly send a message, that’s what they should have done.)
So while what happened last night was certainly dramatic in parts, and while we no longer have to endure NaOnka, at the same time, all this episode did was reinforce what has been so lacking this entire season. So it’s all bittersweet. But let’s go through it blow by blow, starting at the top of this episode, which shall hereby be dubbed “QUITTERPALOOZA.” The stage is set right from the get go as the “Previously on Survivor…” clip shows us how much living outside absolutely sucks and all the people that have contemplated going home along the way. (Foreshadowing!)
As Libertad makes their way back from Tribal Council, Silent Kelly gives us perhaps her most insightful sentence to date: “Like, I don’t understand it at all.” (What can I say? Slim pickings with that girl.) NaOnka then calls Brenda a bitch because she’s NaOnka and that’s the way she is and if you don’t like it then tough luck because she was NaOnka before she got there and she’ll be NaOnka after she leaves and your opinion is your opinion but she is NaOnka and that’s that.
Eddie Rabbitt may love a rainy night but the contestants of Survivor: Nicaragua hate a rainy morning, so as they watch water pour into the ocean, NaOnka starts crying under the tarp and complaining about her joints freezing. In what is shaping up to become the ultimate one-upsmanship game of anything-you-can’t-do-I-can’t do better, Silent Kelly then informs us that, “There is only so much I can do.” (See!) And, sensing she may finally be getting a few seconds of screen time, she keeps the complaining in high gear: “I just don’t know physically if I can put up with this.”
NEXT: Who got more screen time this season: Jack Black or Silent Kelly?