Oh my God, I am soooooo old. I never realized just how old I was until I watched episode 3 of Survivor’s Millennials vs. Gen X season. How do I know how old I am? Well, I mean, I guess I could look at my birth certificate, but that would involve first finding my birth certificate, which is not so easy when you’re talking about a guy who still has two Mr. T coloring books, 13 packs of Vanilla Ice gum, and a closet full of VHS tapes.
I guess all of that should give me a clue as to how old I am, but the point I was trying to make is that I am a pack rat and have no idea where the actual proof of my birth resides. But now, thanks to Survivor, I know I am old as dirt. How do I know? Because I type the word “you” instead of “u.” And I do believe there’s something poetic about language, and language is beautiful, and if we lose that foundation of language then we have we lost something that is really beautiful. I believe that because I am a writer and writers should believe such things.
You know what else I believe? I believe that vinyl is the only way to listen to music. So take that, Probst, and your fancy iPhone gizmo! True story: The first thing I did when I moved into my house is have a record closet built to house all my 7” singles, 10” EPs, and 12” albums. Because that’s what old people do! And I am an old person! Just like Ken. Only less handsome. And less proficient at fishing. And less irrationally angry at Barbie dolls. But other than that, totally the same guy.
Does it make me super old that I have found myself rooting for Ken these past two weeks? I thought I would despise that guy. First off, he’s a model, so that automatically lends itself to an initial hatred born out of jealousy. Then, the first thing we heard from him all season seemed to be bragging about living in Maui. But turns out that was just Ken trying to use his experience to help the tribe.
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Helping his tribe is all Ken has been doing since he stepped foot on the island, and seemingly with a very modest approach. Because that’s the Gen X way! Do your work, keep your head down, and don’t expect any special treatment. Why, it’s enough to make an old language-and-vinyl-loving fogey like myself cry — CRY FOR THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY DUE TO THESE GOOD FOR NOTHING WHIPPERSNAPPERS! Sorry, just practicing my grizzled, bitter old guy banter. Now let’s crank up the vintage Victrola and recap the latest episode of Survivor!
We begin over at the Millennials beach where Adam and Zeke say hats off to Taylor and Figgy for flipping the vote, even though they deserve no credit for that whatsoever because they were too busy snuggling under a palm tree arguing about which one was more “Schmoopie” than the other while Michelle and Jay did all the heavy lifting. Still, Figgy has no problem displaying ultimate confidence. “People who write down Figgy’s name go home,” says Figgy, who apparently has taken to now referring to herself in the third person, which sounds about right for her. Meanwhile, the following conversation is happening just down the beach.
HANNAH: “Zeke, can I talk to you for a second?”
ZEKE: “I’d rather not right now, thanks.”
HANNAH: “Please don’t hate me!”
ZEKE: “I don’t hate you, Hannah. But can we talk later, please. I just need a moment to myself.”
HANNAH: “Sure. Toooooootally get that. But can I just explain one thing real quick?”
ZEKE: “Actually, if I could just have a little time to decompress first, that would be super swell. Thanks so much for understanding.”
HANNAH: “Right. Of course. I just totally betrayed you at Tribal Council so the last thing I would want to do is make it even worse by needlessly pestering you right after the vote, but if I could just say one eensy teensy thing it would make me feel a whole lot better. So what I would like to do is…”
ZEKE: “I’m gonna cut you off right there. I’m starting to get the sense that you are talking and not listening. So, to recap, I sure would be pleased as punch if we could have this conversation a bit later. I’m sure you understand.”
HANNAH: “Oh, yes. Absolutely. I hear where you are coming from. Loud and clear. Crystal clear. Like, crystal meth clear, that’s how clear it is. Before I go, though, could we just have a long drawn-out conversation highlighting all the things I did and why I did them? I’ve actually prepared a PowerPoint presentation I’d love for you take a look at if you don’t mind. Okay, this first graph shows all the…”
ZEKE: “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WOMAN, CAN YOU NOT TAKE THE HINT?!? FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY AND IN THE NAME OF TATA THE BUSHMAN LEAVE ME ALONE!!! GO BEGIN PLEDGE WEEK OR RUSH WEEK OR WHATEVER IT IS CALLED TO GAIN ADMISSION TO KAPPA KAPPA SURVIVOR!”
HANNAH: [long pause] “So, I’m getting the sense you’d like to wait a bit before talking…”
So Zeke and Adam finally — finally! — are left alone to have their two-man pity party. Adam says they are currently residing on “Dumbass Island,” which totally sounds like a show that I season passed once on the Fox Reality Channel back in 2007. But Adam has not lost his confidence. “I wouldn’t count me out,” he says. “I think I can get back to the top again.” Oooooooh… foreshadowing, anyone?
NEXT: David attempts to fit his entire foot in his mouth