“Welcome back to SportsCenter! I’m your host, Slappy McGee. Just a reminder that we will be joined a little bit later by the second-tier stars of Captain America: Civil War, even though they have nothing to do with sports whatsoever, but, you know, corporate synergy and all. So you’ll have that 12-minute movie ad disguised as a segment to look forward to. But right now, some peculiar activity happening out at a few games. Let’s start by going out to Buzz Fazzle at the Astros-Nationals game in Houston. Buzz?”
“Well, Slappy, the Astros have given new meaning to the term ‘stealing bases’ here in Houston. After Bryce Harper hit a grand slam to give the Nationals a 5-0 lead in the fourth inning, Astros manager A.J.Hinch instructed his players to take all the bases off the field and hide them in the team’s locker room, thereby halting play. When asked by ESPN why he would do such a thing, Hinch shook his rattle vigorously, adjusted his bib, and removed his binky, claiming that he was not, in fact, being a big baby and that it was all done in the name of strategy and ‘psychological warfare.’ Which, of course, makes perfect sense. Hinch then proceeded to ask for a diaper change. And I understand, Slappy, that is not the only instance we have seen of such behavior. Let’s head out to Los Angeles, where Zippy Olbermayne is on the scene. Zippy?”
“That’s right, Buzz. Steph Curry has done it again, hitting a half-court short with all five defenders in his face and 23 seconds remaining on the shot clock to give the Warriors a 166-74 advantage over the Lakers. Lakers guard and noted sage-like veteran presence Nick Young then unleashed a strategy that involved taking the basketball, hiding it under the font of his jersey, and walking off the court so nobody else could continue playing.
“Insiders claim Young was not merely being a sore loser, incapable of accepting defeat graciously, but was rather attempting to fool the Warriors into believing he was reenacting the classic high jinks of the Harlem Globetrotters with their patented ‘Pregnant Grandma’ routine (as perfected by Meadowlark Lemon), which would lull the opposition into a false sense of security and allow the Lakers to storm back from their 92-point deficit. Which, of course, Buzz, makes complete and utter sense. How else do you think the Globetrotters beat the Washington Generals 8,472 times in a row? So, in conclusion, no poor sportsmanship here! Now, let’s get you back to the studio with Slappy McGee to see what Ant-Man thinks about all of this. Slappy?”
Make no mistake about it, people. This was not Survivor strategy we saw on the part of the men to hide the machete and ax and use the tribe water to pour out the camp fire on multiple occasions. If that was the case, why didn’t they do it on day 1 like Russell Hantz did in Samoa? No, this was a pissed off Brandon Hantz and J’Tia tossing the tribe rice all over again. Only after people did not side with them and their alliance did Jason and Scot go into seek-and-destroy mode. And why? Because they didn’t get their way at Tribal Council. And who cries and screams and throws a fit when they don’t get their way? Babies. That’s exactly what Scot and Jason are being here: babies who didn’t get their way. Sore loser babies.
They can attempt to mask it as “strategy” all they want, but that’s a complete crock and they know it. Scot even said as much when talked about how angry he got over the fact that the women were NOT being angry that they had hidden the ax and machete (think about that for a minute) and that it was his anger that led him to putting out the tribe fire. He said it himself. He got pissed, so he put out the fire. Self-incrimination at its finest. (And, by the way, if this entire charade actually was strategy, it would have to be considered the worst Survivor strategy of all time. I can’t think of a more terrible way to secure million-dollar votes should you make it to the end than by openly sabotaging your own starving tribemates. Way to look ahead, fellas!)
NEXT: Tai turns to the dark side