Live from the remote Cambodian island of Kaoh Rong, it’s the 2016 Douchey Awards! Featuring performances by…John Mayer! Adam Levine! Chris Brown! A lifetime achievement award for Kanye West! And the hysterical comedy stylings of Dane Cook! Plus, a celebration of our very first Douchey Awards 20 years ago including an interview with original Douchemaster, Val Kilmer! And now, put your hands together for your host and 2010 Douchemaster of the Year…Eddie Cibrian!!
Thank you! Thank you so much! And welcome to the Doucheys, everyone! I’m Eddie Cibrian, and we have a spectacular show for you this evening. I’d like to thank Playboy magazine for sponsoring tonight’s event and remind all our attendees that whoever hits on the most cocktail waitresses this evening will be winning a lifetime supply of Full Throttle energy drinks, so have at it, gentlemen!
Okay, fellas. We all know why we’re here: to crown this year’s Douchiest Survivor! Let’s get right to it with all three finalists. And the nominees are…
He has brass knuckles tattooed on his body along with all other manner of unfortunate permanent markings, and insists on dismissively comparing one of his fellow tribemates to an ostrich while repeatedly referring to her as Blondie… It’s Jason!!!
Next up, he is a personal trainer, because of course he is, and is known for saying things like, “My life has definitely been easier because I am better looking than most people”… Put your hands together for Nick!
Finally, he started the season off by explaining how “Being an ER doctor, it’s going to be difficult for me to not show how smart I am,” has been known to needlessly antagonize people he deems as inferior at Tribal Council, and has no problem whatsoever starting off sentences with “Although Liz and I are good-looking people and have great smiles”… Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Peter!
Just a reminder that tonight’s winner will automatically enter our Douchemaster Hall of Fame and win the ultimate prize: a full-length mirror so they can endlessly gaze upon all of their own beauty and awesomeness for as long as they like. The envelope, please.
I would also like to add, before opening, that this envelope, as always, has been coated with Enrique Iglesias’ Adrenaline cologne for maximum douchiness. Enrique Iglesias’ Adrenaline — the smell that made a million ladies swoon. Okay, here we go, And the winner is… PETER!
Congratulations, Peter! Your unwavering love and support for yourself was simply impossible to ignore. John Mayer will be up next performing his brand new song, “Hit That and Quit That.” But for those of you leaving us to return to your regularly scheduled Survivor recap, we hope you enjoyed this live look at the 2016 Doucheys and remember our motto: Even the hottest babe you ever bag is never as hot as yourself. Good night, everyone!
Thanks, Eddie! Okay, well, at least Peter won something because he was a big loser at everything else in this past Survivor. Not as big a loser as Liz, I suppose, who is now out of the game. But nonetheless, after telling us over and over how incredible he is and how he’s controlling everyone and everything, this has to be a slap to the beautiful, picture-perfect face of the egotistical ER doctor. But here’s what I don’t get: Even if you believed all those things about how incredible you are in every facet of life and how to live it, why would you say it?
Have you no concept about how terrible this makes you look? How unlikable it makes you seem? Now, I will give Peter the benefit of the doubt in one regard. I’ve covered this show since day one, and I’ve spoken to hundreds upon hundreds of contestants. And they have told me in no uncertain terms about how producers egg them on for juicy sound bites.
I don’t think this is breaking news to anyone. Of course a producer wants a lively contestant making bold proclamations. And of course a contestant knows the only way to get airtime when competing against 17 other players for the camera is to have some flashy quotes ready. For example, let’s say a producer asks a contestant in their interview session how they feel it’s going and the player says, “Oh, you know, it’s fine. Hopefully I have the votes on my side, but you never know. Could go either way. And gee, everyone else is pretty smart, so maybe they’re pulling one over on me. Fingers crossed everything turns out okay!”
A quote like that is not doing the producer, the contestant, or the viewer any good. So, naturally, the contestant feels an inherent pressure to put a little mustard on it. They know what’s expected of them. They know why they were cast. And they know we’ll have to file a missing persons report for them like Cowboy Rick if they don’t produce a personality. So they start bragging. But that’s just dumb. There are other ways to showcase a personality without doing that. Be funny! Be self-deprecating! Be energetic! But don’t be a jackass.
NEXT: Probst’s words of wisdom