The following is a Public Service Announcement from Jeff Probst.
Hi, I’m Jeff Probst. You may know me from such pop culture catchphrases as “Come on in, guys!” “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” and “Worth playing for?” But one thing I never play around with…is contestant safety. On our show ‘Survivor,’ we take great pains — no pun intended — to make sure our players receive the best care possible should any situation arise which is hazardous to their health. Board certified medics like Dr. Ramona — who as far as I can tell has no actual last name — are on hand should a contestant find him or herself in any form of peril.
There are a lot of dangers out here on the island: snakes, infection, dehydration. But I’m here today to talk about another sort of danger — a danger that can take out even the strongest, savviest player. I’m referring, of course, to Dawn Meehan. ‘Survivor’ studies have shown that talking to Dawn Meehan is, in fact, hazardous to your health in the game. And it can lead to a deadly condition known as Meehanitis. Symptoms of Meehanitis include a false sense of security, the sudden urge to reveal your entire plan to the last person you should be revealing your entire plan to, and, finally, the painful realization that you have been duped once it is too late to do anything about it. At this point, the only known survivor — again, no pun intended — of Meehanitis is one John Cochran, who inexplicably lived through his harrowing encounter of informing Dawn of his plan to flip sides on ‘South Pacific’ before being ultimately done in by his own fear of colored rocks.
But Meehanitis has only grown stronger, more powerful, and more resistant to the antibodies used to counter it back then. Now, you don’t know you are even suffering from the disease until it is too late. It truly is the silent killer. Its victims are many. First it took Julia. Then it took Corinne. The latest victim is none other than Malcolm, whose entire plan was undone after he confided in the Mormon mom. (While Malcolm has not yet fully perished, his game remains on life support after his brush with death.)
A few simple steps to protect against contracting Meehanitis.
Step #1: Avoid any and all contact with Dawn Meehan.
Step #2: If cornered and forced to talk to Dawn Meehan, try to think of something that will make her cry. Drowning puppies is a good start. Improper bread baking should also do the trick. And don’t be afraid to bring out the big guns if need be: Talk about missing your loved ones back home. That should have her crying all the way through Tribal Council and she won’t have time to play tattletale with all the other tribe members.
Step #3: If you feel the onset of Meehanitis, take immediate action and use her own tactics against her. Start going up to everyone and telling them that Dawn is the one plotting to overthrow them with a brand new alliance involving that firefighter from New Jersey who is worried about eating “cow’s d—.” The best defense against Meehanitis is a good offense.
Follow this three-point plan and you too can survive even the strongest strain of Meehanitis. I’m Jeff Probst and I hope to be seeing YOU on the island. CBS cares.
Well, thank you very much, Jeffrey. That’s some crack advice right there if I do say so myself. Almost as useful as your PSA on Proper Tribal Council Voting Etiquette. Now, without further ado, let’s recap the latest episode of Survivor: Caramoan — Fans vs Favorites. It was another doozy, as the pre-merge histrionics have been replaced by post-merge strategy moves and counter-moves. The merge can often mean a whole new season, and in this case that has been a very good thing. Okay, let’s do it.
NEXT: Cochran performs pelvic thrusts on a ladder