Oh, if I were a leaf
I would soar in the breeze
I would do as I please
I would float like the man on the flying trapeze
Oh, If I were a leaf
Oh, if I were a sail
With the wind at my tail
And the majesty of the ocean beneath me
Pressing onward without fail
Oh, if I were sail
Oh, if I were a locket…
You know what? I just can’t. I’m trying to come up with something super deep and meaningful so that Stephen Fishbach can start quoting me next time he plays Survivor, but poetry has never been my strong suit. (Some might say recapping Survivor has never been my strong suit either, but that’s another topic for another day.)
But maybe this was not Stephen Fishbach at all putting his Bachelor of Arts degree to use (and speaking from experience, let me assure you that attempting to impress relative strangers by quoting poetry in the rain is the only known use for a Bachelor of Arts degree). Perhaps this was not Stephen at all. Perhaps Coach pulled some sort of Freaky Friday experiment and switched bodies with Fishbach. What? It’s totally possible! Body switching is totally a thing. Just ask Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris. Or Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis. Or Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore. Or Charlie Schlatter and George Burns. Or Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold. Need I go on? Because I could…which probably speaks more to Hollywood’s inability to try anything even remotely original, but the point is that pretty soon Fishbach is going to start wearing feathers in his hair and draping his jacket over his shoulder as he goes up to vote at Tribal Council.
Seriously! Who else but Coach would go up and start quoting with such reckless abandon? God, I miss Coach. Remember when he told us, “‘Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation,’ Marcus Aurelius once said,” yet that quote was actually never said by Marcus Aurelius but was instead uttered by Comer Cottrell? Instead of a Roman emperor, Cottrell was a man who made his millions concocting a strawberry-scented oil for afros. That’s right, Cottrell was a Jheri curl magnate. And Coach turned him into a Roman emperor. Again, I miss Coach.
But now Coach is back! Clearly rattled by his piss-poor performance in some of the past challenges, Fishbach has decided to channel the Dragon Slayer! Of course, this is not the first time a former contestant has taken hold of a current player’s body. Erik Reichenbach inhabited Brandon Hantz to give away another immunity idol on South Pacific, and then Brandon Hantz in turn inhabited J’Tia’s body on Cagayan to throw out all the tribe rice. However, Brett from Samoa holds the current Survivor record for possession by occupying Purple Kelly from Nicaragua, Cowboy Rick from South Pacific, Julia from Caramoan, and then both Monica and Wiglesworth from this current season. So Brett simultaneously carries records for both the most and least amount of Survivor screen time ever.
But maybe Coach can turn Stephen into a brand-new Fishbach. We’ll have to wait and see. But for now, let’s go ahead and recap the latest episode of the unwieldily titled Survivor: Cambodia—Second Chance.
It’s day 17 of the game, and Andrew Savage seems to be taking the tribe turning on him in stride. “They are incredible liars. I thought I could read people pretty well. These folks are professional.” Well, that’s nice. At least he’s not taking it personally and recognizes the savvy gameplay of his… “And f— them. Pieces of s—.” Wait, WHAT?!? Where did that come from? Savage showing a crack in that calm, smooth exterior. Didn’t see that coming.
Andrew says he needs to take a step back and find a way to blend in and be “a wimpy non-leader.” (Once again, all roads lead to Fishbach.) He then goes to shake Spencer’s hand and pledges, “I will never write your name down again,” which seems like a hell of a promise to make with 13 people still in the game. Also, not to get too technical, but does that mean he is now bound to not vote for Spencer to win should Bledsoe make it to the very end? This whole deal seems like a lose-lose for all parties involved.
NEXT: A super-sized merge