Okay, I’ve heard of food porn but this is ridiculous. What exactly just happened? What did I watch? Because please correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure we all just bore witness to a three way between Jeff Probst, Ninja Stealth Woo and a plate of ribs. Hmmmmmm…tender. Juicy. Lathered in barbeque sauce. Just the way I like it, baby. Think I’m making this up? Just listen to the seventies porn soundtrack the show cued up as Probst and Woo whispered culinary sweet nothings into each other’s ears as the latter wrapped his lips around that big hunk of meat. What?!? Don’t look at me! That’s what actually happened. Go back and watch for yourself! Awwwwwww yeah, baby. That’s the stuff.
I suppose this is the point at which it should also be noted that Woo was the one hiding the wallets of money for the auction…in his ass! Or at least under his bathing suit and on top of his ass. Hey, Woo’s a cool guy. And handsome as hell too. But I’m not sure I want a wallet that his been pressed up against his (or anyone’s — male or female) backside that — let’s keep in mind — has been completely unwashed for 29 days.
Anyhoo, instead of diving into a plate of ribs, let’s dive into an enormous vat of Purell as well as this week’s episode of Survivor: Cagayan. And since I missed last week’s episode, I will also present my thoughts on the return of the Cook Islands post-reading-of-the-votes-super-idol that Tony found. Because, as always, I have thoughts.
We start things off with Kass gloating over being right about Spencer having — and playing — an immunity idol at the last Tribal Council. Kass tells Spencer she could tell he had it because “you’re usually much meaner to me.” She also informs us that, “Like a typical 21-year-old male, there was no way he was going to give that thing up. I mean, what is the most selfish beast on the planet? A college aged male.” Yes, because Survivor is all about selflessness. Memo to Kass: IT’S AN INDIVIDUAL GAME!
So after Woo retrieves the envelopes from his butt we head off to the auction. Already I am feeling good about it because Tony has told us that he is saving all of his money and as soon as he hears the first syllable about an advantage he is bidding all $500 on it. HALLELUJAH! Every season I go on a ranting rampage because otherwise seemingly strong players never ever do this. They always waste their money on tortilla chips or cheeseburgers instead of what is truly important.
That’s the thing to love about Tony. He may make some impulsive, boneheaded moves, but he is always playing the game. Always. That’s why he’s so dynamite to watch. And ultimately, isn’t that what we want out of our contestants — to actually play the game? So while other people bid on jelly beans, quesadillas, and steak sandwiches, Tony waits. But he isn’t the only one. Spencer is waiting as well. This makes me feel even better about my episode 1 pick to win it all. Like Tony, Spencer is there for one reason and one reason only. To come up with clever hashtagble phrases for CBS to randomly throw on screen? Nope. To win. So I give major credit to both Tony and Spencer for keeping their eyes on the prize. I will not afford Tasha the same credit here because Tasha did, in fact, put a bid in for the second item offered. So while she did not get that item and therefore still had $500 by the time the advantage came around, she did not stay out of the bidding completely like Tony and Spencer did. (Fret not, Tasha. Your credit will come later.)
NEXT: How much would you pay for a white rock?