Ah, Hollywood. Home to some of the entertainment industry’s greatest talents. As well as some of the industry’s greatest ”talents.” I put the word in quotes, because as we are all too well aware, for every Kate Winslet in Hollywood, there’s a Kim Kardashian. For every Meryl Streep, there’s a Megan Hauserman. For every Helen Mirren, there’s Heidi Montag.
In other words, there are plenty of folks who find fame and fortune in Tinsel Town mainly due to their, ahem, assets. And I’m not talking their retained earnings! And during the first hour of last night’s So You Think You Can Dance when Nigel, Adam, and new guest judge Hi Hat journeyed to L.A., I began to fear my favorite dance show on television would fall victim to the lure of the some of the Hollywood auditioners’ cha-chas (hint: not the dance), and trot out a season 7 cast equivalent to The Girls Next Door.
Not that we would put such a thing past Uncle Nigel, the judge who has, over the past six seasons, refined his skill for spewing out creepy compliments that made us all wonder whether or not he spent his weekends watching old episodes of Baywatch on his VCR. (Because you know Uncle Nigel still has a VCR.) I mean, this is a man so obsessed with sex, he literally cannot resist showcasing a man named Sex on almost every single season of this show.
So, honestly, it was little wonder that he saw such appeal in dancers like 18-year-old cheerleader Lauren Froderman, an auditioner so intent on making season 7, she claimed, ”I’ll do anything, please.” (Cut to: Nigel, wearing a robe and stroking his non-existent mustache between his thumb and forefinger saying, Hmm… anything?) And that includes being desperate enough to attempt to appeal to the judges by dancing to Marvin Gaye’s ”Let’s Get It On.” Yet, somehow, Lauren managed to deliver the least sexy choreography ever set to the music. The whole thing felt like a rejected number from a female bodybuilding contest: it was all posing, flexing, and, strangest of all, smiling. I don’t know about you, my fellow SYTYCD fans, but when I think of ”Let’s Get It On,” I don’t think toothy. (Ouch!) But I imagine there’s a special lobe in Nigel’s brain programmed to drop a canister of Viagra directly into his veins whenever the song is played, because the judge was completely blind to the fact that Lauren’s pirouettes weren’t stable, and that her performance was completely, 100 percent disconnected from the song she was dancing to. And only Hi Hat noticed her shortcomings. Adam strangely claimed that there was no disconnect purely because Lauren had made eye contact with the judges. You know who else can make eye contact with me, Adam? My cat. Doesn’t mean she deserves to learn a Doriana Sanchez disco routine! (However cute the little sparkly outfit might look on her!) But, since we know Nigel likes the flexible ladies, Lauren was sent straight to Vegas. So I have no choice but to deliver my Bring It On-inspired cheer (sing it with me!): I said, brr! Its cold in here! Must be an unsexy performance to Marvin Gaye in the atmosphere!