The night began with all 20 dancers undulating (with canes!) as M.I.A. breathy-asked, “Where were you in ’92?” Apparently the choreographer was getting over the hangover of the Blonde Ambition tour. Going by the gesticulations, we’re dealing with Wade Robson or Sonya Tayeh. The props equal Wade, but the costumes signal Sonya. Whom to choose? Either way, it was sexy, complex, and strobe light-tastic; plus the girls all looked a little bit like Santana from Glee meets a Wild West saloon prostitute. Everybody wins! After the group number, Cat said that, yes, this piece was, indeed, birthed from the twisted loins of the Tayeh.
Then it was time to get down to business. Since Mitchell was out due to an injury last night, not only did the bottom three couples have to perform, but so would poor Mitchell. Before that, Nigel bloviated about his brainchild National Dance Day. This year they’ll put up three routines online — ranging from difficult to basic — for people to perform all over the country in flash mobs for charity (have more horrible words ever been uttered?). He explained that Mary is choreographing the easy one. And I am a rare one to stick up for Ms. Murphy. Because lord know—WOOOOOO!!!! It’s catching, isn’t it? That’ll learn me.
In the first of approximately one million pimp-outs for Lady Gaga throughout the night, Cat exposed these poor retinas to a picture of Nigel being goosed by the Gags herself (pun intended). Then the results were doled out fairly expediently. Melanie and Marko’s routine by Travis Wall was Emmy worthy…and safe. Missy and Wadi got their beastly Gaga on and are predictably safe. Iveta and Nick took on the always challenging quick step (to “Ballroom Blitz,” no less) and were, amazingly, safe — despite drawing the terror-inducing ballroom card. Ashley and Chris were similarly safe thanks to their jazz routine. And with each couple, the odds grew slimmer.
So when Jordan and Tadd came up to bat, the conclusion was foregone. I’d blame it on the extra d if I were Tadd. But the big question was whether Caitlynn would be faulted for her partner Mitchell’s injury or whether the Broadway stylings of Clarice and Jess would be deemed unworthy. If this were seasons 1 through 3, that might be a legit question. But it’s not. As such, Clarice and Jess hear the “goooooong” of destiny. Ryan and Ricky’s doleful contemporary routine impressed the audience. And then it was down to Miranda/Robert’s lively jive versus Sasha/Alexander’s Travis-choreographed piece. It was easy to tell from all angles that Miranda and Robert were toast.
Performances: The sky-high leaping lovechild of season 3’s Pasha and ’90s skating icon Viktor Petrenko, Gennadi Saveliev (who also did some important things like training at the Bolshoi Ballet and founding the Youth America Grand Prix) repented for that time Jeanine and Phillip got shafted in season 5. Also, Keri Hilson wore castoffs from the Gaga wig line, Ke$ha’s ear accouterment garbage pile, and a skort composed solely of chain mail and Lycra. That is all.
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