It has always seemed somewhat self-evident that The Situation is the ultimate villain of Jersey Shore. He’s the source of almost all of the intra-house discord. He is famously incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. He has staged so many robberies on Vinny that poor Vin-Vin seems to have simply given up on bringing girls home. But last night’s episode revealed a new layer to Michelangelo “Uncle Situation” Sorrentino: For all his bluster, this man is fundamentally not a fighter. In fact, you could argue that he’s the unofficial pacifist of the Shore house.
Look who he’s rooming with. All of the women in the house are fundamentally warriors, ready to fight in defense of their own principles. Ronnie is a barbarian who hates himself but can only express that hatred with his fists. For all his hedonistic casualness, Pauly D clearly has a fighting soul — last night, we saw him challenge a Florentine to a street scuffle just for looking at him funny. And even if Vinny never fights, he also never tries to stop the fight. Remember back in the Civil War era, when wealthy landowners would post up on a hillside a few miles away from a battle and watch the action through their binoculars? That’s Vinny. He’s a war junkie who doesn’t like getting his hands dirty.
Compare that to Uncle Sitch. He may be a shady dude, but he’s also fundamentally a diplomat. Remember: His first reaction when Ronnie was throwing his stuff around was to say, soothingly, “Ronald, please, don’t be irrational.” That’s Michaelangelo’s typical response to everything. And that’s why it was so shocking when, all of a sudden, the dude freaked: Foaming at the mouth, asking Ron to hit him. For a second, it was like we were seeing a whole new Situation. An attack dog. A warrior.
And then Uncle Situation hit his head against a cement wall and knocked himself out.
I got to talk to the Shore cast in person earlier this month — I’m only half-joking when I say that talking Renaissance artwork with Ronnie and Sammi was the thrill of a lifetime — and although the whole cast was on spoiler-watch, they all laughed a little bit when I asked them about the big Ron/Sitch showdown. And now we all know why. Ronnie didn’t beat up The Situation. The Situation beat himself up. The poor guy sent himself straight to the hospital.
NEXT: Alas, Poor Situation