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Emmys 2017
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Bachelor Pad recap: Sex Trade

It’s hook up or go home as the bachelors and bachelorettes are separated into teams of two. Plus, Kovacs gets laid.

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Bachelor Pad Jesse Kovacs
Kevin Foley/ABC

Bachelor Pad

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Happy penultimate episode, rose-lovers! Can you believe we’ve made it this far without shooting ourselves or someone else? Kudos to you all. This week, we open with Gwen fondling the sequined rose on her t-shirt — ”the only rose I have,” she jokes — and then comes the real shocker: Gwen is STACKED! Wow, how is this the first time I’m noticing her boobage in its full glory? Okay, sorry — here is the real bombshell: It’s time to even up the numbers, and this week three ”ladies” are going home. Kaboom! This causes a collective coronary failure among the women in the house. ”I’m going to have a heart attack!” breathes Tenley, miraculously without crying. ”The back of my heart is pumping so hard right now,” says Nikki. ”I can feel it in my bones.” (I’m no cardiologist, but shouldn’t her whole heart be pumping?)

For Tenley and Elizabeth, the idea of going home isn’t nearly as scary as the idea of having to live without a man. ”I’m terrified, because Kiptyn and I just started our romantic relationship,” says Tenley, ”and if I’m one of those three girls leaving today, that romance could come to an end.” The good news is, this week’s competition is a real game of skill: Spin the Bottle! (I guess they couldn’t fit a camera crew inside the closet for Seven Minutes in Heaven.) Anyhow, it’s not even a true game of Spin the Bottle, because the men are going to be choosing one woman to play with as a partner for the rest of the game, meaning it’s obvious from the get-go that the uncoupled ”ladies” — Gwen, Nikki, and Ashley — are headed for the Reject Limos. The bottle (which appears to be super-glued to a Lazy Susan) orders Kiptyn to go first, and though he pretends to deliberate — pacing in front of the assembled ladies like a tiger sizing up a pack of wounded gazelles — he chooses Tenley over Nikki, despite the fact that the latter saved him in week one. Kovacs goes next, and he also lets his ”gut” decide, offering a kiss to Elizabeth, even though she has a ”screw loose,” in his words. Do I even need to tell you how the rest of this goes? Dave picks Natalie, and Gwen, Nikki, and Ashley get hustled into the limos. Watching the funeral procession drive away, Elizabeth offers this Eulogy for a Trio of Spinsters: ”They not only didn’t find money — they didn’t find love. I could very easily be in Gwen’s shoes one day, in my 40s and still wanting love to find me again… For dust thou art, and into dust thou shall return.”

Dry your tears and pop some Ginko Baloba, blondie, because you and your comically inadequate short-term memory need to prep for the next competition. The contestants all hope it’s a ”how well do you know your partner” game, especially Kovacs, who says, ”I’m [sic] a steel trap for a memory.” For example, he remembers that Elizabeth is a natural brunette, which would be impressive if he were blind and didn’t see her dark roots every single day. Speaking of which, Natalie is hoping this next phase of the game will mark a new beginning in ”Dave and I’s” relationship (honestly how hard is it to say an extra few words: ”my relationship with Dave”??), while Tenley is giddy that she and Kiptyn have been granted a Make Out in Public Free card. The only blonde not thrilled about her situation is poor Peyton, whose partner Jesse B. cannot even master the complexities of peeling a banana. ”I would maybe rather do this on my own,” the always-diplomatic bachelorette laments.

NEXT: Balloon boys (and girls)