Never have I ever wanted a TV novelization more than The Collected Ghost Stories of Denise Hemphill. Girl needs to put down those handcuffs and pick up a pen right this minute! Of course, her tales — meant as a form of aversion therapy for the frightened Chanels during their last night in KKT — owe much (if not all) to other sources. For instance, her legend about the Kappa, an amphibious monster that pulls unsuspecting pee-ers into the toilet and drowns them, has roots in Japanese folklore. And the Red Cape? Yep, a Japanese urban legend. But I’d still buy the audiobook.
Not a compelling ghost story? Dead Gay Boone. After being recognized by No. 3 when his Joaquin Phoenix beard fell off, Boone manages to convince the ear-muffed coed that he is a spirit. And he pulls the same ruse over on Chad, telling him that if only he can get Zayday to fall in love with him and have sex with him then he can come back from the dead. What is this pre-occupation Boone has with Zayday? More on that to come.
For her part, Chanel isn’t so much struggling with ghosts as she is a talisman: the Radwell silver turkey wishbone necklace. It’s basically the family’s version of a letterman jacket but with the added bonus of green bean casserole and sweet potato pie (i.e. an invitation to the family’s Thanksgiving feast at their Hamptons compound). And, to sweeten the deal, every Radwell girlfriend (save one) who’s been gifted the necklace ends up with an engagement ring by Christmas. Chanel has competition for the invite, though, in the form of No. 6. Once again in her neck brace (because her spinal column is collapsing), No. 6 shows up in Chad’s dorm room while he’s vacuum-packing his clothes (he didn’t minor in luggage sciences with an emphasis in packing theory for nothing) to demand an answer as to why she wasn’t invited. Aside from the Hamburglar breath and Pooh belly, Chad says it’s mostly because she’s poor. But what Hester lacks in riches she makes up for in cunning, devising a fake pregnancy scheme to score a first-class ticket to the Radwells.
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Meanwhile, all of the ghost stories that the girls have been telling start to happen in real life. Denise, for instance, goes to the bathroom and is faced with a red roll of toilet paper and a blue roll of a toilet paper. Before she makes up her mind, though, the Red Devil crashes the stall and attacks. But that Denise Hemphill is not going down without a fight and manages to throw off the killer and run to safety. No. 5, for probably the 19th time, declares that she’s had it, packing her bags and driving away from Wallace. Except, No. 6’s Meathook Killer story (otherwise known as High Beams) comes true, and when No. 6 pulls over, the Red Devil emerges from the backseat to kill her truck-driving savior. She speeds back to campus. Chanel’s response: “Please attempt to get attacked in a fresh and exciting way.”
NEXT: Fratricide in the First [pagebreak]
Now, if definitely-not-dead-and-maybe-not-so-gay Boone is going to get with Zayday, he’ll have to contend with Earl Grey first. And, well, sadly he does. Grey — on his way back from procuring his silk robe and massage oils for a tryst with Zayday — gets a knife in the back from the Red Devil, who, for the first time, unmasks himself to camera revealing Boone beneath. It’s a sad day for tea enthusiasts and six-pack lovers alike.
But karma, as they say, is a bitch and Boone gets his. After being rebuffed by Zayday (who doesn’t believe for one minute that he’s a ghost), Boone returns to the high-priced suite he had rented for his planned romp and makes small talk with the Red Devil as they wait for Gigi. When she finally arrives, it looks as though Boone and his scarlet cahoots companion are about to off her, but instead, the Red Devil turns the knife on its…brother! Stabbing him in the chest. (The theory put forward last week about two Bathtub Babies was confirmed this week by Munsch, who revealed that there was indeed a boy and a girl born that night.)
Here’s another thing we know: There won’t be any more births in the Kappa House anytime soon. Through a bit of trickery, Chanel gets No. 6 to admit she’s not actually pregnant. But, since Chad believed her and already booked her plane ticket, she’ll be the one flying to the Hamptons anyway. And, well, that’s just too much for Chanel to handle and she shoves No. 6 down the stairs. Killing her.
“What I just did will become a new ghost story,” Chanel proclaims. “A cautionary tale about what happens when hog-faced bitches try to steal hotter Kappas’ boyfriends.”
And that may be the most chilling tale of them all.
Prime Suspects: It probably goes without saying that my pick for Red Devil No. 1 remains Boone (RIP). I guess there’s really only one Red Devil left, so Red Devil No. 2 becomes Red Devil No. 1. (Confusing.) Anyway, my pick for the second Red Devil is obviously no longer Zayday. Boone wouldn’t have tried to sleep with his own sister, would he? (They’re not that kind of family, are they?) It’s a fairly safe bet that someone else is his twin. But who? Is there any way another victim could be faking her death? No. 2, for instance, who already came back as a “ghost” in a vision to Chanel? Sure, she was supposedly cremated, but we never saw that, did we? Maybe it’s far-fetched, but I’m going to add No. 2 to my most-wanted list. How do you like them doughnuts?!