The race for president is heating up. The race for Kappa Kappa Tau president, that is. (Sorry, Hilz, you’ll have to sit this debate out.) And despite being stuck in a pit, it-puts-the-lotion-in-the-basket style, Zayday is running a formidable campaign against the incumbent, Chanel.
Not that the boss bitch isn’t putting up a fight — Chanel’s charity pumpkin patch to aid Black Hairy Tongue Disease has everything: artisanal gourds, statues peeing vodka and Red Bull, the maze from The Shining, and both Fergies. And the finishing touch? The Chanels dressed up as the wives of fallen presidents, with Chanel as a bubblegum Jacqueline Kennedy. But No. 5, fresh off a tongue-lashing due to her inability to reunite Led Zeppelin, abhors her assigned First Lady, Mary Todd Lincoln, and stomps off in a huff.
But petulant sorority sisters should be the least of Chanel’s worries. Dean Munsch gathers KKT and the Dollar Scholars for an important announcement: She’s closing down campus. On the biggest candle night of the year! (And despite a rousing speech from Chad, in which he quotes our beloved 60th president John F. Kennedy Jr.) Chanel, always the problem solver, uncovers a loophole and emails the student body to let them know that the pumpkin patch is still on—for 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 1.
Perhaps sensing Chanel’s weakened position, No. 6 begins recruiting co-eds for her scheme to become Zayday’s Dick Cheney. Her first enlistee? Jennifer, whom she flips by revealing Chanel’s closet full of once-used-and-now-abused Diptyque candles. (FYI, those suckers retail for 60 bucks a pop at Barneys.)
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Cut to the police arresting Chanel during math class for the murder of Ms. Bean. Chanel: “Oh my God, I’m burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst.”
Grace sees Chanel’s Orange Is the New Black episode as an opening to rally the sisters to find Zayday. But No. 3, being the next in line numerically, is in charge and feeling ambivalent. Undeterred, Grace, with Pete following, goes looking for her dad. Except, well, he’s ending his salad date with Gigi in a bed of, uh, not lettuce. Like, a regular bed. They’re making out to “Black Velvet,” and it’s thousand islands of awkward when Grace walks in. (Can’t you keep it in your pants while kids are being murdered, Dad!?) Grace’s final stop is Dean Munsch’s office, where she narrowly misses a conversation between the Dean and Denise, in which the security professional utters the lines: “I slept with Chad, too, and it was amazing” and “You’ve got the right to remain sexy.” Anyway, Munsch has enlisted Denise to help track down Zaday. (Or, as Denise would tell it, to apprehend Zayday, seeing as she believes her to be the killer.)
NEXT: Brother, may I?