With an ominous episode title like “Chainsaw,” there are only so many scenarios one can imagine unfolding during an episode of Scream Queens — and Chanel No. 1 dating a lumbersexual is not one of them. So it is that the school’s new mascot, Coney, meets an untimely end thanks to the power-tool wielding Red Devil. (I have to say, as a former Dairy Queen employee, I’ve demolished my fair share of ice creams, but never in such a wanton, disrespectful manner. RIP, Coney. We hardly knew you.)
You could say the soft-serve mascot was partly inspired by an unfortunate genital-tasing incident involving Grace, cool ranch chips, and Eugene from PoliSci — a series of events which led Dean Munsch to enact several dubious measures to safeguard campus. Another one? Moving into Kappa House with Gigi to keep an eye on the girls. Except, the sorority’s one sister short, and they don’t even realize it. No. 2’s death is still largely a secret, despite her body going missing from the deep freezer. Chanel, maybe it’s time to give Public Storage a call. The first month is only a dollar!
Anyway, when none-the-wiser Grace and Zayday go looking for No. 2 in her bedroom all they find is a stained carpet. Is it bulimia? Sizzurp? Nope, it’s blood. Arby’s-loving security guard Denise Hemphill is sure of it, and proves it with luminol. (Zayday: “You telling me you don’t carry a gun but you carry around a bottle of that stuff?!”) Denise thinks it’s mighty suspicious no one is looking for No. 2, especially given her recent tweet about being murdered. (For their part, the Chanels told the pledges No. 2 had a mental breakdown and moved back home.) Further confusing matters is No. 2’s incessant Instagramming. But with her awkwardly splayed limbs and face-obscuring frames in the pics, it’s pretty clear someone is Weekend at Bernie’s-ing her. When Grace and Zayday pay a visit to No. 2’s parents (a.k.a. Cordelia from Buffy and Creepy Pharmacist from Desperate Housewives), they suspect No. 2 is off somewhere on a bender. Oh, and they let slip that she was dating Chad. Chanel’s Chad. Who, apparently, was “porking” all of the Chanels. Gross.
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Yet, despite his dimwittedness (or perhaps because of it), douchey Chad is the catalyst for a couple of significant events this episode:
1. He somehow breaks up with Chanel for again (did they ever actually get back together?), once again over her ugly pledge class. Question: How many episodes will we have to endure some variation on this misogynistic speech? Chanel, of course, takes his words to heart and decides to make over Hester after she finds her violating her “closet vag.” Hester’s always been a fashion girl at heart, you see — until the scoliosis. Kneck Brace emerges from Chanel’s second vagina in a pretty pink frock, newly dubbed Chanel No. 6.
2. Inspired by Munsch’s Take Back the Night rally, Chad decides to pull a reverse Take Back the Night: He and his Dickie Dollar Scholars will ‘roid up, arm themselves with baseball bats, and roam the streets yelling the Red Devil’s name until he/she comes out to fight them. (More on the outcome in just a minute.)
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