Who has time to mourn Gigi (and her delicious-smelling roasted head) when there are doorbuster deals to be had? (Black Friday is, after all, Chanel’s second favorite holiday after Chanel-o-ween.) And so, as the clock strikes midnight in the Kappa Kappa Tau house, Chanel and her minions suit up and head to the mall — despite time-out attempts from Dean Munsch. 99-cent infection-wreaking earrings for everyone!
Down at the local precinct, Grace, Pete, and Wes are trying to report Gigi’s death to someone (anyone!), but as Detective Chisholm informs them, the entire murder squad has been fired due to, well, total incompetence in the Red Devil case. And Chisholm doesn’t seem too bothered by this turn of events — in fact, he’s now free to pursue his life-long dream of opening an interior design firm. I really hope he names it Designing Detectives and sets up shop in Atlanta.
Now, if there was any doubt as to whom Chisholm’s replacement would be, you clearly aren’t a Scream Queens (or Arby’s) fan because as we quickly learn, it’s none other than Denise Hemphill! And she arrives at the mall just in time to try to save Chanel’s life. You see, the Kappa Kappa Taus spent the whole day (or was it night?) bargain hunting (sans liquids or cotton balls) and didn’t leave the shopping center in time — they got locked in. With the Red Devil. But while the other girls fled, Chanel stayed behind to face the serial killer she believed to be Dean Munsch in disguise. And she paid dearly for it, taking a crossbow arrow to the shoulder. It’s here — as Chanel lies on the Orange Julius-stained floor, waiting for the mortal blow — that Denise bursts in with her posse. But she wastes too much time on exposition: Her deputy gets shot, and the Red Devil escapes.
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Back at the house, with her arm in a fur sling, Chanel makes a decision: They must kill Dean Munsch to stop the murders. And, surprisingly, goody two-shoes Grace (a.k.a. Talking Pumpkin) agrees to the plan. In fact, the only hold-out is Zayday. But how will they off Munsch? “I say we poison her,” Grace and Chanel chime in unison.
While Kappa Kappa Tau team up, the Dickie Dollar Scholars seems to be a solitary pursuit — with Chad the only surviving member. The lone wolf invites Pete to the house for the reading of Boone’s will. Weird, right? As it turns out, Boone left everything to Pete — including his HBO Go password and a certain sex toy with a “blue gem on the business end.” Were Boone and Pete lovers? Nah. Pete claims Boone was his source into the campus’ Greek system. Or, as Pete so elegantly puts it: “He was my Deep Throat.” Anyway, it’s during this exchange that we learn Pete once tried to pledge the Dollar Scholars, but as he has no interest in golf and doesn’t own a single John Mayer CD, he was poorly qualified. Chad, however, is willing to overlook all of these facts, and extends an invitation to Pete to join the fraternity. (At this point, Chad will take whatever he can get, right?) Pete declines (and again declines Chad’s request to duel) and leaves the house with Chad ominously telling him he’s going to be murdered to death. (Certainly not a hollow threat on this show!)
NEXT: A death-defying dean[pagebreak]
Chanel and Grace have initiated Poison Protocol, turning up at Dean Munsch’s door with macaroons and pufferfish-spiked cider under the guise of learning about feminism from their elder. Munsch downs the whole jar of juice yet shows no signs of distress. With their plan foiled, Grace turns to Pete for a little sympathy. He tells her that she’s no murderer, that she should abandon Poison Protocol, and then tries to have sex with her (all after an odd but brief moment of reverie for the Red Devil). Grace demurs and says she’s not in the right headspace for it. Later, her headspace gets even more not right when her fellow Kappa Kappa Taus vote to kick her out of the house since she no longer wants to murder the dean. Surprisingly, even Zayday sides with the dark side.
Grace retreats to her father’s house, where she finds Wes and Pete in cahoots, researching Gigi. As it turns out, Gigi wasn’t the fourth girl in the bathroom the night of the Bathtub Baby (now Babies) incident — it was her sister, Amy, who kept the infants but committed suicide a short time later. Gigi took over raising the twins into killers to avenge her sister’s death. Talk about a long con.
With Poison Protocol a flop, the girls devise a new plan to kill Dean Munsch: Cryo Code. They’re going to freeze her to death. But it doesn’t work. It appears the dean is indestructible. Like Jason. Or Michael Myers. Chanel’s final scheme takes inspiration from No. 6’s Rasputin ramblings: They’re going to drown her. Except, once again, everything goes awry when Chanel’s collaborators don’t pick up their phones, and she’s left — alone — at the Wallace University pool with a suspicious (and honestly, scary) Dean Munsch. Cathy will live to chug cider another day.
And maybe that’s okay because Pete is starting to look mighty suspicious. First off, he gets a weird call, in which he tells the person on the other end of the line that he’s leaving campus and that he/she should, too — that he’s done with everything and that he/she should never call him again. It’s then that Grace shows up on his doorstep, ready to proffer her V-card. But he won’t. He can’t. Because, as he says, “I don’t want your first time to be with a murderer.”
Prime Suspects: Now, guys, I’m pretty sure this whole Pete-is-a-murderer thing is a red herring. I mean, I don’t doubt that he killed someone, but I do doubt that he’s the Red Devil. That feels a little too easy, no? And, besides, unless we’ve been completely led astray, isn’t the remaining killer supposed to be Boone’s sister? This all doesn’t add up. I’m sticking with my theory that the killer is someone we’ve long presumed dead. Chanel No. 2? Although, since this is my final most-wanted list, I’d like to leave a little room for a second theory: namely, that Grace could be the killer. She and Zayday were the only KKTs not at the mall when the Red Devil attacked. Is there any possibility Wes knew about and tracked down at least one of the twins long ago and raised her? With (or without) Gigi’s help? Does that even add up given what we know? Wes would have to be telling a ton of lies, right? (Seriously, I’m just spit-balling here.) What are your theories as we head into the two-hour finale? Leave them in the comments below, and I’ll see you next week for one more fling, idiot hookers.