A quiet, uneventful Thanksgiving for Kappa Kappa Tau? As if! Although some sleepier moments felt rife with a Tiburon-sized shot of tryptophan, the final moments of tonight’s episode showed once again that it’s not a holiday at Wallace University without a merry murder.
We open on Chanel revealing her dastardly deed from last week’s “Ghost Stories” — pushing Hester down the stairs — to Chad. She’s angling for the now-available seat at the Radwell family dinner table. “Gravity killed Hester; I just gave her a push,” Chanel coos. Of course, Chad’s morbid proclivities mean he’s all hot and bothered by this news and wants to cool off with the corpse in the walk-in. Chanel promises to show him the body but only if he promises not to do sex things to it. Now, if you’ve been paying even the slightest attention to this show, you’re probably doubting right about now that the body is even in the freezer. And you’re right. “I don’t understand how this keeps happening,” Chanel screams when she finds the walk-in short one sorority sister. “Is this a meat locker a wormhole to an alternate universe?” Chad and Chanel depart for the Hamptons — but not without Chanel worried Hester has her number.
The rest of Kappa follows suit, dispersing for Thanksgiving. Well, sort of. No. 3 retreats to the Swenson mansion only to be banished to the back row of the family’s recliner arena to eat a frozen dinner alongside the help. Ew. She hastily returns to the sorority house and finds Dean Munsch in the kitchen butchering the aforementioned Tiburon. The Dean agrees to cook (and eat) for No. 3 but only if she’ll play a post-dinner game of charades.
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And, as it happens, Zayday and Grace have canceled their planned trip to Oakland, so they too stay in the house for an orphan’s Thanksgiving. Even though Grace’s dad lives, like, a mile away and has been stood up by Gigi. Grace ultimately takes pity on Wes and invites him over for dinner. No. 5 — abandoned by her family, who took off for the Maldives — also finds her way back.
Over at the Radwells’, it’s all open arms and limitless drumsticks as the family opens their home to Chanel. Hahahahaha. Just kidding. “Welcome, Chanel,” says dad Alan Thicke Radwell. “Chad hasn’t mentioned you. Ever.” Mom Julia Duffy Radwell and brothers Chad Michael Murray Radwell and Patrick Schwarzenegger Radwell aren’t much more hospitable. It’s during the family’s “introduce yourself and say what you’re thankful for” tradition that Hester — definitely not dead and maybe (but probably not) pregnant Hester — crashes the festivities proclaiming: “I have a little Radwell inside me.”
NEXT: Chaos theories
Just like the Pilgrims, those gathered around KKT’s metaphorical cornucopia while away the hours waiting for the turkey to crisp by offering up theories as to the identity of the Red Devil. Dean Munsch goes first. She’s convinced it’s Baby Manson (a.k.a. No. 3). She saw No. 3 running up the stairwell to her room, glistening with sweat, the night the killer went crazy in the foyer. No. 3’s alibi? She was pooping. And besides, as Grace points out, if we’re working under the assumption that the Red Devil is a Bathtub Baby, it couldn’t be No. 3 — her father is Charles Manson, after all.
No. 3 returns the favor and accuses Munsch. The Dean does have a motive for killing Kappas — when her grand plan to rid the campus of the sorority didn’t pan out, she decided to take out the sisters one by one. And we know she’s capable of killing as evidenced by her bologna non-allergy. (Her supposed intolerance had helped clear her name in her ex-husband’s murder. Now the girls know better…)
Next up is Wes, and he’s not holding anything back: He can clear suspicions for everyone involved, save his own daughter. She was, after all, one of the only ones not buried up to her neck during the Deaf Taylor Swift Murder. (Although with two Red Devils running around, that seems like sort of a moot point.) The girls support his claim, though, accusing Grace of creating the campus killer so that her mom wouldn’t be the worst byproduct of Wallace. Plus, Grace was visiting KKT the day Melanie Dorkus had her unfortunate spray-tan accident the year before. All very suspicious, indeed.
But not so fast! Pete’s here. (Where you been, Pete!?) He’s touting his own educated guess, namely that the killer is Wes! His motive? He wants to keep Grace safe (i.e. out of a sorority), so he tries to disband it using murder. And old yearbooks prove Wes knows about the secret tunnels under Kappa, so he could have snuck into the house when it was on lockdown. Then there’s the most damning evidence of all: A Maury paternity test proves that Wes is Boone’s father! (I did not see that one coming!) Grace is for sure Boone’s sister, but is she Boone’s murderous sister? That’s the question.
Back at the Radwell residence, things aren’t going much more smoothly. In fact, following a particularly unfortunate game of Pictionary in which the clue is “Neckbrace Whore,” Chanel and Hester decide to preserve the last vestiges of their dignity and leave the compound, bound for KKT. And they arrive just in time for turkey. Except, when the dish is laid gently on the table and the lid is removed, it’s Gigi’s head that’s on a platter. This will be one Black Friday, indeed.
Prime Suspect: Yes, we’re back to singular, as one Red Devil (Boone) and one mastermind (Gigi) are dead. So who is the remaining Red Devil — the one we’ve been led to believe is Boone’s sister? I’m staying the course and saying it’s No. 2, who’s not actually dead. (Though, could there be a better presumed-dead suspect?) Leave your guesses, theories, and sweet potato pie recipes in the comments below.