I had a smart TV in a hotel room once. I picked up the remote and pressed a button, and soon after, I gave up. A common Paige move if there ever were one. But that’s what makes Scorpion work — some people are meant to figure out the logistics behind a computer worm that is doing major malware damage to a smart building’s system, causing the unit to attack itself through a planted chip inside human flesh, and some people are good at getting dog lovers to abandon their post. I know how confusing all of that is — let’s talk about it:
Walter begins this week by playing the least (most?) careful game of Frogger in history. He methodically walks out in front of cars to go and fetch back Ray’s hat, all while on the phone with a handsome, casual billionaire. It’s the perfect definition of Walter: a guy whose logic sometimes manipulates his common sense.
On the other end of the phone is Mr. Elia, who owns a smart building, which is like a smart TV, but like… way more intense. At first, the mission of the episode isn’t clear, outside of figuring out “WWRD?” That’s “What Would Ray Do?” and it comes into effect at a tech conference Walter is attending.
Walter meets a second-rate Paige named Stella who is flirting with him from across the bar. He tries to woo her with math, because of course he does, and it works. She orders him a Long Island iced tea, or as I like to call it, “every mistake you made in college.” And that’s all we get for now — assumptions.
Back at the warehouse, #TeamScorpion is looking particularly handsome for the reveal of the smart building. The only problem is, Walter is missing. Cabe and Paige roll up to his hotel room to make sure he’s okay, but all that Paige finds is Walter passed out on the ground, a tinge of perfume on his pillow, and she is over it.
Mr. Elia, developer of the smart building, introduces his creation with all of its absurd technology and the absurd team that helped him lead the effort: Walter O’Brien and Scorpion. With all the excitement, though, the smart building is already having a couple of glitches, so the team springs into action. The glitch that Walter can’t account for, though, is how Paige reacts to his possibly sleeping with second-rate Paige. Oh, and they didn’t foresee that the smart building has a virus and is attacking itself, leaving Toby trapped in an elevator, Happy trapped in a mechanical room, and Sylvester trapped with owner Wilson Adler’s kids on the seventeenth floor.
Also, in a twist, Walter placed the virus into the system — the virus that came from Stella, that harlot who ruined EVERYTHING. Guys, we have a lot to cover in 90 minutes.
Turns out, when a tech devil like Stella puts a virus on your computer, she goes full on. The virus locks all of the building’s patrons inside. Happy and Walter work to knock out the fire while Cabe and Paige try to track down Stella. Walter remembers that his old clothes are in Cabe’s SUV and might give a clue to Stella’s identity. That’s when Paige grabs his clothes and says, “His clothes smell like the cheap perfume in his room. Maybe we can give it to a scent-tracking dog that specializes in tracking down sluts.” SHADE.
Somehow, Walter and Happy engineer a speaker to put out a fire because, again, science, but in pursuit of putting out the flames, Walter catches his shirt of fire. Happy and Walter get back to the control room to find a whole new kind of glitch — Mr. Elia and Adler believe that Walter is the one who has sabotaged the building.
In the midst of their accusations, Walter suddenly remembers the man who led him to Stella. His name is Jon Vrakas, and he sends Happy off to let Cabe and Paige know. They find him at a restaurant, having a post-bender Bloody Mary. He recounts Walter getting drunk (?), telling jokes (??), and hooking up with Stella (?!?). Paige is having a difficult time processing all of her emotions, which is a new struggle for her.
They go back to review the tape, and the story is true, but upon a second look, Paige notices that Stella goes to the same gym as Gwyneth Paltrow (ugh, GOOP) and they’ll have her picture on file. Paige and Cabe find Stella and press her for information, even though she says that she knows nothing about the situation. No one buys her story because it’s nearly impossible to trust a girl who unashamedly wears dark wash Daisy Dukes.
Even with the new lead and the fire out in the mechanical room, the fire has spread to the rest of the building, trapping who knows how many people. The most important of them are the children, who seem to be taking this smoke inhalation thing really poorly. Coughing and complaining about their eyes itching — sounds like a bunch of Millennials who can’t handle a little adversity. Anyway, Sly comes up with a plan to make a filtration system for the air in hopes of saving the kids and buying more time.
NEXT: Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air