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Scorpion premiere recap: Satellite of Love

The gang quickly reunites — because the world needs saving of course.

Posted on

Monty Brinton/CBS


TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Elyes Gabel, Katharine McPhee, Eddie Kaye Thomas
Action, Drama

When you’re an adult, summer vacations really aren’t that different than when you’re a kid. That is especially applicable to the Scorpion gang. I imagine that Sylvester spent the summer with Megan, nervously sorting through math problems while Happy spent hers tearing government machinery apart and rebuilding it. Toby spent his using his own skill set to untangle why Happy wasn’t particularly pleased with him, and Paige spent hers literally putting together a speaker system, figuring out how to manage this group of misfits and probably trying to understand why the show is stylized .

You see, Paige and I aren’t so different. I spent my summer catching up on the first season’s 22 episodes and convincing myself that putting a backslash in front of a show title is not a typo. I’m so common — such a Paige. In the midst of it, I’ve prepared myself to tackle this socially inept, yet lovable gang of geniuses, as they tackle national security threats week after week. It’s me, you, Paige, and Scorpion. Oh, and Cabe. Who has Cabe been hanging out with? Gene Simmons.

That’s right, Gene Simmons is literally on Scorpion. Granted it’s for about 15 seconds, but he’s here sans make-up, sporting a police uniform. And that’s where Cabe comes in. He’s just a tech adviser for a cop show that Gene is starring on because it seems like a logical career jump since the team fell apart last season. That doesn’t last long though because he gets a call from Homeland Security (Cabe, not Gene… because Gene as a cop is funny. Gene getting called by Homeland Security is just silly), and he gets his job back.

Cabe goes and grabs Walter from physical therapy after his car accident. In Walter’s spare time, it appears that he’s reprogramming people’s prosthetics to play piano melodies that are more complicated than “Chopsticks,” which is the definition of using your craft for good. Unfortunately, he has to give that up because Cabe has been tasked with reassembling the Scorpion team. It appears that everyone else got a text, but Cabe went and fetched Walter in person because I think we all remember how great Walter is at responding to his phone.

When the team returns, there’s immediately tension between Paige and Walter. What kind of tension? Who knows really, but he did call Paige’s cupcakes moist, and that’s not a euphemism. As Paige is catching Walter up on what has happened during his hiatus, she confesses that she kissed him in the hospital and that’s when Walter drops his files and papers, causing me to drop my pizza, presumably causing Paige to go on a full tangent about how much she respects Walter and their professional relationship and Ralph and Scorpion. In short, we all dropped a lot.

Fortunately, that intercom system that Paige installed is working amazingly and everyone on #TeamScorpion heard the confession. And that’s why we don’t let Paige do ANYTHING of any scientific importance, and yes, an intercom is scientific. In the midst of the awkwardness, Happy takes the opportunity to remind us that Toby was a giant butthole (can I say butthole?) to her last season. She passive aggressively agrees that no fraternization is important. She’s interrupted, per the usual, when Adriana Molina pops in with Cabe.

Who is Adriana Molina, you ask? She’s the new head of Homeland Security. Adriana Molina is capable and educated and really knows how to revolutionize a feminine pantsuit. Most of all, she has absolutely no time for Scorpion’s nonsense and makes that known from the get-go.

We don’t get a lot of time with Adriana before she starts in on this week’s case. Some weeks, the team gets a break from urgency, but it’s the season premiere and something has to be done to trump a Gene Simmons cameo. The solution: a super casual atomic-bomb-Russian-satellite that has fallen out of orbit and could kill approximately 10 million people.

Walter is having trouble keeping up with the details because of some haziness following his concussion/hand reconstruction, so Paige offers to convey Walter’s programming expertise because she “can type 100 words a minute.” A quick confession: I hate Paige because I am Paige. It would take me an entire summer to put together an intercom system, and only seconds to use it to expose my own secrets. You are my weakness, Katharine McPhee. You just are.

Back at the helm of the computers, Walter begins to fall apart because he has post-concussion syndrome, but only when things become stressful or intense, which means that Walter can no longer be an event planner, a firefighter, or… well, a programmer who needs to save millions of lives. Meanwhile, Paige reveals that she’s in a similar position because she’s having nightmares of becoming a waitress again. I feel you, girl.

The issue with Walter not being on his game is that when Walter is off his game, their entire team is off its game. There’s no time to sort through everyone’s issues though because there’s an atomic bomb functioning as a Russian satellite. Remember those 10 million people? Fortunately, Happy figures out how to hack into what appeared to be an un-hackable system, but it puts her in the car with Toby.

NEXT: The kiss that keeps on giving