We gave it a C+
As a culture, rich white people aren’t known for adding much to the world. Perhaps we can attribute the Kardashians to them. Maybe even smallpox blankets. But if Cyrus Beene and Orange Is the New Black‘s Piper Chapman have anything to say about it, they’ll add “being really terrible at jail” to that very brief list. We left Cyrus as he pulled a Full Piper, rolling up to jail, getting the inmate treatment after being arrested for the casual crime of having the president assassinated. Simply put, he’s having a horrible time, while elsewhere in D.C., Mellie and Olivia are having an impromptu dance party. But as Olivia and Associates are celebrating their win, Huck is fixated on a video of Dead Jennifer’s friend, smiling and laughing. Softy Huck is the best Huck.
But the world is bigger than just Cyrus, Olivia, and Mellie, which is why Abby goes to the White House to demand that David not pursue the death penalty. David can’t be persuaded to help Cyrus, though. Actually, Cyrus isn’t getting a break from anyone… he’s led into a super small cell for his exercise, which consists of walking in a circle. When he sees Tom elsewhere in the prison, he asks his guard to see him, but the guard, played by everyone’s favorite deadbeat older brother Billy Riggins (Derek Phillips), spits in his face… because that’s prison life, YA HEAR?
Speaking of people who got the short end of the stick, Elizabeth North doesn’t have a lot to work with anymore, so she tells Abby that for a price, she’ll be happy to work with Abby to get a message to Cyrus that he’s not getting the death penalty. Liz delivers the word, but when she starts to leave, Cyrus pleads with her to get Tom a letter convincing him that Cyrus loves him. In doing so, he might be able to get this situation turned around. In another episode of White People Who Don’t Understand How Prison Works, Liz asks why he isn’t able to do it himself, which just goes to show how far people like Elizabeth North are separated from… well, everything.
Huck meets up with that girl he was watching to get more information on Jennifer and her explosive demise, but the loose end here is that Tom didn’t confess to Jennifer’s murder, and since he’s so willing to throw in the towel on the president’s murder, then why not hers? It definitely leaves some questions. Meanwhile in prison, that gorgeous bearded prison guard who spat in Cyrus’ face slips another prisoner some drugs, so Cyrus attempts to figure out how to get… you guessed it… a pen and paper. He asks his inmate neighbor how to get some writing supplies, but his inmate (who is in prison for EATING HIS FAMILY) only offers the suggestion of a belt so Cyrus can kill himself. Yikes.
Cyrus continues to try and negotiate with his dreamboat of a drug lord/abusive prison guard, and he finally drops that he knows the guard’s passing drugs along to inmates and he’ll tell his supervisor if the guard doesn’t help him. Oh, Cy. Huck meets back up with Jennifer’s friend and decides to teach her self-defense, and it’s clear that Huck likes her. And then when she takes a rogue punch and clocks him in the nose, it’s clear he loves her because B6-13 guys are freaks like that.
As a lame duck with a dead PEOTUS on his hands, Fitz has nothing else to do but, you know, hook up with the FBI director. She took Olivia’s advice to heart and is canoodling in bed with Fitz in her pajamas. But in standard Scandal form, it isn’t long until she unknowingly releases information she didn’t know was important… Abby said the president gave orders to not pursue the death penalty with Cyrus, but clearly that’s not the case. However, Cyrus is already on borrowed time, so he’s not wasting it. He snags that pen and paper from Gerald McSexyGuard and passes a letter on to Liz to give to Tom because who knows how long it will take Fitz to reverse those Whelan marching orders.
NEXT: Cyrus becomes president