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Royal Pains recap: Home Sick

Bodily fluids everywhere!

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David Giesbrecht/USA Network

Royal Pains

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
USA Network

We’re 100 episodes down and just three more to go. That’s what’s left of Royal Pains, Hamptonites. The good news is that even though we’re starting to wind things up a bit — Raj has now gotten a job in Baltimore to support Divya’s commitment to awaiting an acceptance to Johns Hopkins, and Boris is being extra sneaky about potentially selling KGR and his future locale — there’s no shortage of hands-on activity with which the good doctor, Hank Lawson, can gross us out (and at the same time, educate us).

Here’s what HankMed’s finest got into this week (fair warning: each and every one of these involves bodily fluids of some kind, because Royal Pains just can’t resist):

No. 1: Talk about your surprise urinalysis…

Of course we can’t send off our Lawson boys without Eddie R. coming back into the fold to explain exactly why he jilted Ms. Newberg at the altar like that. Not that Evan’s interested in why he became a walkaway joe again, but Hank, for one, has decided to follow up on his dad’s well-being by hiring a private investigator to track him down.

Good thing he did, because it turns out Eddie Roth (that’s what the “R” stands for) just had heart surgery in New Jersey, and thanks to Hank’s ability to sweet-talk the nurse — and her extraordinarily loose regard for patient confidentiality — he’s got his medical records and his address.

It’s an address he knows very well, too, because it used to belong to them back when their mother was still alive. Eddie kept the house with the intention of passing it onto the boys, even though they ultimately didn’t need — or in Evan’s case, want — this inheritance. (Well, Hank could still use a place of his own. Just sayin’.)

Eddie’s heart surgery was simple enough — a transcatheter aortic valve replacement — but per usual, Hank’s timing couldn’t be better as he walks in to find his father sprawled out on the back deck, declaring that he’s “dying” from the stomach pain he’s having. Turns out his catheter from the surgery has given him prostatitis, a swollen prostate that’s about to make his bladder erupt and subject all of his internal organs to waste-based infection. Yech!

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Hank’s dealt with worse, of course, so he whips out his ultrasound and inserts a new catheter to let Eddie’s tensions literally drain away. Watch your shoes, Hank! We can tell Eddie’s spirits are lifted well enough by the sweet, yellow release, because he’s able to make a joke at his own expense: “It’s always been your brother that’s taken the piss out of me.” As Henry Winkler’s other famed TV counterpart — The Fonz — might say, “Ayyy.”

After his bladder is drained and he’s all set up with a round of antibiotics, Hank’s able to move Eddie from Passaic Hospital into his care in the Hamptons, so now the only real harm to his health is the massive eye-daggers he’ll have to battle if and when he runs into the other E.R. Lawson in the fam.

NEXT: That’s not how your mother and I did it…