Change isn’t always a good thing — especially not for Staton House. Not everyone is thrilled with the band’s revived Jeanine-ified set list, especially Rick. In a drunken stupor, he tells Kelly Ann they never should’ve started playing the song. After all, Jeanine is a devil-woman who broke Christopher’s heart. It looks like it’s Rick, though, who’s on shaky ground — not Christopher.
Despite Kelly Ann’s run-in with wasted Rick, all is well (maybe even — dare I say it? — blissful) with the crew. For the first time since we’ve met them, they have the day off! Party. Time. So, what’s in store for the sweaty, hardworking motley crew? Shelli and Bill have a day trip planned to Louisville’s Cave Hill Cemetery. Donna and Wes are going to dive headfirst into a plate of duck-fat fries (excellent choice). Shelli’s dreams of scones and an omelet with bacon and onions are so close, she can almost taste them. She’s also really excited about a steaming hot shower in a hotel room. Oh yeah, did I mention everyone on the crew stinks? It’s been all baby wipes, all the time, for far too long. And it seems like Milo has decided to forgo the wipes altogether…
Cut to Reg, standing outside the Haverford Hotel — a huge upgrade from the Motel 6’s they’re used to, not to mention the pizza-stained tour bus. He screams on the phone that he needs his missing Fendi suitcases overnighted now (Reg is so fancy and British), because he’s absolutely not going to slum it in a bandana headband and “vintage” shirt. Reg hops on the bus to tell the crew about their upgraded digs and starts to question Gooch about his bus route. After all, shouldn’t they cut through Cincinnati in order to get to St. Louis? Turns out, just like Voldemort in Hogwarts, Cincinnati is a word that should never be spoken among the Staton House crew, for reasons that are unclear. Instead of “He who shall not be named,” they call the home of the Reds “the four-syllable city in Ohio.” What’s the aftermath of speaking those four little syllables? The tour bus is cursed, of course! (So many Harry Potter references, amiright?)
The crew doesn’t quite remember how to reverse the curse, so they consult their go-to guy, Phil. (Those “What Would Phil Do?” shirts were the real deal.) He’s still the man of the hour, spearheading Taylor Swift’s tour in space (because duh), but he takes the call (because Staton House for life) and shares the only way they can move out of this perpetual storm cloud: Drive 100 miles away, find 11 balloons and 11 eggs on foot, break the eggs, release the balloons, and play a song by The Who. Simple! It’s just like finding Pokemon.
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Turns out, the curse is real — Rick has gone missing. He never made it to his phone interview and didn’t even check into his hotel (they know this because the mini-bar was perfectly in tact). Shelli and Bill end up turning their day off into Find Rick Day, and even though they don’t admit it, they’re both really concerned. First stop? A strip club named Tattle Tale, where, it turns out, Bill knows just about everyone. He’s nowhere to be seen, so with a Hail Mary, Bill calls Milo — who suggests he find Rick’s favorite stripper, Red Velvet. Sure, she has a reputation for being wild and crazy, but she’s gotta know something about Rick’s whereabouts.
NEXT: Red Velvet offers them a swingin’ good time
Shelli and Bill ring Red Velvet’s doorbell and are shocked to meet Roberta — an orange-skinned, orange-haired woman who recently earned her real estate license and just whipped up some warm scones. She and her husband, Arthur, invite Shelli and Bill in for said scones and jazz music — Red Velvet is clearly a changed cupcake — but Bill offers a hard pass, later informing Shelli that they were swingers. Bill’s rock-and-roll lifestyle has its limits.
Back on the tour bus, the crew has successfully driven 100 miles away, so they decamp and let the egg-and-balloon games begin. Wes and Milo hike in an enchanted-looking forest and conveniently come upon a house with a For Sale sign that has seven balloons attached to it. Where are they going to find the extra four balloons they need to end this absurd curse? Why, the four condoms in Milo’s pocket, of course. Trojan Man to the rescue! Meanwhile, Kelly Ann and Reg pursue the egg mission through the woods. They, too, come across a house magically plopped in a forest in the middle of nowhere. And with an unlocked door, it’s basically an invitation to come on in and steal some eggs. They all-too-easily find a dozen eggs in the fridge and run on out of there. If only my trips to Trader Joe’s were as swift…
As Kelly Ann and Reg walk back from their hike, eggs in tow, the two share another round of sexual tension. Kelly Ann tells Reg he can’t just walk onto their tour bus — a place where people (namely, not him) live — any time he wants, and if he came on the bus just to see her, he should stop while he’s ahead. He completely and unconvincingly tells Kelly Ann not to worry; he never gets emotionally involved and he doesn’t feel things the way other people do. Riiiiight. Kelly Ann completely and unconvincingly says she never gets emotionally involved, either. Okay? Okay! (These two are going to have a sweaty backstage makeout session any day now.)
Now that the crew has everything it needs to break the curse — 11 eggs, 11 balloons, and musician Jim James at the ready to play The Who — it’s time to make some magic. In a very kumbaya-moment, the crew form a circle in the woods and Kelly Ann passes out eggs to everyone. Jim James starts playing The Who’s “They Are All in Love” on his guitar while they all take turns in a highly dramatic egg-cracking ceremony. And just as the balloon-condom bouquet is lifted into the sky, an epic storm hits and the crew splashes about. The torrential rain even prompts Milo to take that much-needed outdoor shower.
All the sudden hygiene causes Milo to have a moment of clarity — he knows where Rick is! He’s in the Rain Room at the Tassel Bar. Cut to Shelli and Bill, who storm into a seedy bedroom. There’s Rick, wrapped up in silk sheets, sleeping in the arms of…wait for it…psycho-groupie Natalie Shin (groan). Natalie proceeds to talk and I just wish she wouldn’t, but Rick apologizes to Bill and Shelli, and even though this a quick and relatively confusing reconciliation, the three of them hug it out.
The curse is over, folks! Not so fast… We quickly learn one of the 11 eggs didn’t crack when they were thrown, aggressively, onto the ground. (Dude, how hard is it to crack an egg?) What does that mean for the Staton House band? Time will tell…
Song of the Day: The Who’s “They Are All in Love”