Ohhhh, Mama Rizzoli. If this were an episode of Friends, its title would be called The One About the Yeast. Seriously. (Though Bassholes is certainly a fine title, and if I were the kind of person to find myself around fisherman, I might even have a use for it.) Now I’m not going to say that crime procedurals are running out of things to center murder cases around—but not every installment can be packed with ripped-from-the-headlines freshness. Which brings us to this week’s Rizz & Isles.
It turns out, at least for the purposes of this ep, that bass fishing is huge in Massachusetts. So big in fact, that even just outside of Boston there are local tournaments that can net its winner $100,000. People have certainly killed for less money, but it’s not the sort of thing you’d expect a homicide to hang on, unless you have the keen mind of a Rizz, a Rizz, or a Korsak. It’s also not the sort of thing that screams contemporary. Which is what brings us back to yeast. At the top of the show we learn that Angela, a.k.a. Mama Rizzoli, is cresting into an of-the-moment no-white-foods diet. If you know anything about Jane Rizzoli, it’s that she loves irrational rage. Not like punch-a-hole-in-the-wall rage, but like, make-your-voice-even-more hoarse rage.
But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. The show opens with a line being cast into calm waters, and I, for one, was hoping we were going on a weekend retreat with Korsak and that we’d be able to get a little insight into that ukulele tease from last week and maybe get treated to a sweet jam or two. But that halcyon image is quickly broken when the camera pulls back to reveal a kindly looking man out for a fish being menacingly circled by what we can only assume are the titular Bassholes.
The kindly fisherman heads off on his way, and he’s seen pulling in a big fish by himself before he’s picked off by what looks like an arrow to the back. And now we cut to Maura Isles’ cozy kitchen, where in the longstanding tradition of tough TV female cops (See Benson, Olivia and Laura, Mysteries Of) Jane Rizzoli is hungry. And she doesn’t have a hankering for quinoa—sister is looking for some hard-core carbs: “A piece of bread, a muffin, in your world, a croissant,” she tells Isles. Not in the house I still quizzically share with your overbearing mother! She doesn’t retort. Isles goes on to explain that Mama Rizzoli is on a new no white foods diet. “No white rice, no white flour, no white sugar…there’s healthier way to eat that makes you feel better, and this is it!” she explains to an increasingly exasperated Rizz. And here we are at the episode’s culturally relevant center!
Mama Rizz tells us it isn’t about just weight loss, it’s about having more energy, silkier hair, better sleep…Annnnd now I’ve just purchased the 10 Day Green Smoothie Cleanse on Amazon. Seriously. And if I had Maura’s kitchen I’d have purchased a Vitamix, too. Cut to that kicky theme music and we’re making our way to the crime scene…still talking about how eating right makes you feel better. Seriously guys, I’ve already bought a blender at this point, and we’re only like 12 minute in. Jane is still maintaining that her sugar, alcohol, and caffeine nutrition pyramid works miracles for her (“I’d take coffee and a shot of whiskey any day”) and you have to wonder if Angie Harmon feels marginally irresponsible for leading us to believe that a woman could eat and drink like that and still have her enviable physique. I start to look at the return policy on the blender I’ve just purchased and eye my liquor cabinet. Surely there’s a murder to investigate instead of all this discussion of things that make me question life choices. How is this a very special episode of Rizz & Isles about taking care of myself?
Oh, thank god, there’s Frankie and Korsak talking about Gordy Howe? Apparently Frankie has lost a bet and now Korsak gets to choose his punishment. In what world exactly does one agree to a bet before the terms have been discussed? I’ll tell you what world: Frankie’s. And there’s the vic, seen on the bow (whoa, did I get that right? Is the front of a boat a bow? Thanks, Cub Scout Camp for all that useful nautical knowledge!) and as Maura points out, he’s got not an arrow sticking out of his back, but a “bolt,” something that comes from a crossbow with a pistol grip. “Easy to get and easy to hide,” Jane says. Really? Cool! Annnnd I’m back to Internet shopping.
Isles has somehow already determined how far away the shooter was and Korsak tells the women just what the man was up to: “He was competing in a very important regional bass-fishing tournament,” he says before Jane has that rare moment of saying exactly what I was thinking. “Really, very important? Turns out there’s big money in regional bass-fishing tournaments—and apparently there are enough bass swimming within the city limits of Boston to have a bass-fishing tourney or Rizz and Isles are operating waaay outside of their jurisdiction. Big news first though. This guys bleeding out in a way that excited Isles. We should be back to the M.E.’s office in no time.
But first up we’re back to social commentary, now that Frankie has found the victim, Mark Harris’ car. And it’s really blowing everyone’s mind. Because it’s a Prius—a maroon Prius no less. Also? Harris was a college professor who taught poetry. Not exactly the Raptor-driving outdoorsman Bro and Sis Rizz figured they were dealing with. This, however, is not the most surprising thing about Mark Harris. More on that later.
First we have to meet Skeet Martin (Lochlyn Munro), who you’d think might be the name of the harmonica player on the Rizz & Isles theme song, but it turns out he’s just a real persistent fisherman who wants to get with Jane. And we’re off and running—especially because this guy looks famous enough to be a recurring character this season. And because he’s wearing a gold and blue satin jacket emblazoned with SKEETER on the back.
Conveniently enough, near the vic’s car, there’s also a bag of dead fish with a note attached that says, “Say anything and you’ll sleep with these.” Once again, Jane reads my mind. “That’s not very original.”
NEXT: Maura and Jane and a rowboat (of course)