Daniel Power/The CW
Samantha Highfill
January 31, 2018 at 09:00 PM EST

Riverdale

type
TV Show
genre
Drama
run date
01/26/17
performer
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch, Luke Perry, Madchen Amick, Marisol Nichols
broadcaster
The CW
seasons
2
Current Status
In Season
We gave it a B-

Has Riverdale gone too Riverdale at this point? That’s the (fairly confusing) question I’m asking myself after this week’s episode. With so many plots in the air, I’m starting to wonder if the show is focusing so much on the “Riverdale-ness” of it all that it’s being a little too loose with story. I mean, Veronica just sang “Bittersweet Symphony” while walking down the aisle of her own confirmation. Also, Betty now spends her mornings having webcam sex before school? And let’s not forget that there were TWO murders this week. Finally, I have some questions about the relationships on this show. But let’s start at the beginning…

Now officially Hiram’s intern, Archie is running around town picking up dry cleaning and just generally trying to make Hiram love him. And so far, it seems to be working because not only is Achie coming to Veronica’s confirmation, but Hiram also invites him to play server at his pre-confirmation poker game with the skeeziest businessmen around! Oh sorry, I should add that Hiram invites Archie to the poker game only after learning that Archie beat up Nick St. Clair while the guy was wearing two leg casts and couldn’t move. Consider Hiram impressed!

And when he’s not grooming/torturing Archie, Hiram is busy making Jug’s life terrible — or more terrible, I suppose. When Hiram’s lawyer calls the school and threatens to sue the Blue and Gold for defamation after Jug’s article about General Pickens, both Jug and Betty are suspended from the newspaper staff. And then there’s the little problem of Jug and his dad — and all the Serpents — getting an eviction notice from the city. Either they deliver General Pickens’ decapitated head, or they’re gone. And, spoiler alert, Hiram is behind that too. Because at this point, he’s pulling the mayor’s strings.

One good thing about Hiram’s involvement is that it finally forces Jug and Betty to talk about Toni. How this happens I’m not really sure, but after they’re suspended from the paper, Betty decides it’s a good time to ask him if he ever “did anything” with Toni. He admits they did “some stuff but not everything,” and when he asks her about her post-breakup life, she lies and says she hasn’t “done anything” with anyone, despite the fact that we all know she kissed Archie! Also, is there anything worse than listening to two teens attempt to talk about “stuff”?

Getting back to the Archie of it all, Agent Adams shows up at his house all angry that he wasn’t invited to Veronica’s confirmation. But he knows it’s the hottest party in town and he’s new, so he understands. Thankfully, he’s besties with cool kid Archie Andrews, who agrees to be his eyes and ears (and abs) at the shindig. In other news, I just wrote “shindig!”

And while we’re on the topic of the confirmation, a clearly intimidated Sierra and Josie show up at Veronica’s place to apologize for being so judgmental, and as a peace offering, Josie says she will sing at Veronica’s confirmation. V’s song of choice? “‘Bittersweet Symphony’ from the Cruel Intentions soundtrack.” And suddenly, Josie is regretting every decision she’s ever made that has led her to this moment.

Veronica then heads to do some community service, where she literally stops feeding the homeless so that she can have a serious talk with her boyfriend. (Well, at least we know her priorities.) She warns Archie about the poker game, explaining that all of the players are “like daddy.” So they’re hot and more than willing to assert their physical dominance over teens on a wrestling mat?

Yes, but also, they scary. And proving that he’s not ready to work this event, Archie tells V to relax because he’ll only be “refilling water glasses.” PRECIOUS INNOCENT ARCHIE THINKS THEY’RE GOING TO BE DRINKING WATER. He’s worried about the hydration of murderers. Isn’t he cute?!

Veronica then goes to Hiram to find out what his agenda is with all this Archie business. And when Hiram claims Archie might be more like their family than Hiram originally thought, Veronica shuts that train of thought down! If that’s true, then she loses the thing she loves most about him: his hair innocence. So, Hiram tells her that she has to choose: either bring Archie in on the family business or he stays on the outside forever.

Although, after the poker game, it might not be Ronnie’s choice. While plunging a toilet — which was definitely not in the job description and should never be done while wearing a tight white button-down and bowtie — Archie overhears some of Hiram’s fellow mobsters talking about how he’s gone soft post prison. Their plan? To “remove him” after V’s confirmation. Archie also overhears Hiram confess to owning Pop’s. So yeah, he’s on the inside now whether V likes it or not. (Next: Two murders for the price of one)

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