Housewives have a talent for making simple situations way more dramatic than necessary. But they are just the players in the Bravo game. Nine episodes into the season, and the episode title creators have already given us “One Flew Over the Chicken’s Nest” and now “There Will Be Bloodwork,” both nods to Academy Award winning films. Which causes me to think… Amber is already doing her best Daniel Day-Lewis in the way she tries to convince everyone she is their friend, enemy, and victim all at the same time. (Talk about a triple threat.) But what if Daniel Day-Lewis was playing a housewife instead?
If RHONJ were an Oscar-caliber film, Day-Lewis would likely prefer the complex challenge of playing Teresa Giudice. As a character, Teresa’s backstory is a rich history that gives the only real clues into what’s going on inside her mind. The morning after she and husband Joe made their plea deal, she continues her morning routine with her family as if everything is normal. Of course, that is how she should treat the situation for the sake of her four daughters (no matter how much they yell or have bad breath in the morning). Eldest Gia is smart enough to see that it’s all just an act, but she’s still proud of her mom for how she is handling the situation: “If you would be a hot mess, it would affect the whole family.” Though a hot mess would make a great award-worthy performance, it doesn’t make a great mom.
Or maybe instead Day-Lewis would want to take on the return of Dina Manzo. Soon to be an empty nester with daughter Lexi going to college, Dina is already very emotionally vulnerable and doesn’t do well being alone, so it doesn’t help that Dina’s longtime assistant Luke is leaving to move back to his native Ireland. “I’m better at taking in strays then letting them go,” Dina says in confessional, essentially making fun of her own crazy cat lady stigma. In one moment, Dina is the solid foundation planning getaway weekends and the next, she’s the emotional wreck who can’t remember any of her passwords. It’s clear that the move back overseas is the right thing for Luke, especially since Match.com in the surrounding Jersey area is “the saddest thing in the world.” (Does that really surprise anyone?) But Dina’s problems may be too small and predictable for an actor like Day-Lewis.
For Oscar #3, he could always take the Armie Hammer/Lindsay Lohan route of twinning it and take on both roles of Teresa and Nicole. It would take a true thespian to be able to mispronounce prostate and have a man swing his personal parrot beak (nice underwear Rino!) while keeping a straight face. And since Day-Lewis is practically the Michelangelo of Acting, playing the Michelangelo of New Jersey Joe Gorga would almost be too easy for him.
NEXT: There Will Be Tears