There was one nice moment in last night’s finale. The fall party had long been underway, former Housewives and makeup artists and “pocket gays” already milling about Vicki’s pool. But Vicki was still up in her room, dabbing her swollen eyes with Preparation H wipes, whimpering that somewhere Donn was sad. Vicki had filed for divorce one week prior, convinced that Donn would never love her the right way, not that she ever spoke of the quality of love she gave him. Her heart was bleeding; her bottom had apparently stabilized. (That is not an invitation for you creepy ALL CAPS commenter to weigh in on the boards.) How could she play hostess?
So the Housewives gathered, all telling her she looked gorgeous and wonderful and that she would get through this too. Their group hug seemed more effectual than Tamra’s threats to tickle her boobies. It was so odd to see the women kind of rally around another, even if their pep talk never really got above “You look so hot.” And that my friends in what this season (this franchise?) is missing. Some genuine sense of camaraderie needs to balance out the catty.
None of the ladies seemed very excited to go to the party. Tamra was having a bad hair day and Jeana’s most recent jabs in the press had given her the shakes. “Keep your cool,” counseled Eddie. “I will. She needs a slap in the face,” she sad. Foreshadowing. Gretchen and Slade wanted to stay in bed and share their glass of milk. Times are tough! Alexis couldn’t decide if she wanted to wear the pink sherbet Barbie dress or the autumnal orange Barbie dress. Let Dylan decide. All she knows is only her hot girlfriends are allowed to come with her to the party (3 out of 4 of them are cheating on their husbands, you know) and Jim will most definitely not be at her side. Jim gets to stay home and look smug because he’s the man and the king of his castle and his rib hurts from making Alexis.
Hey Jim, are you cool with her wearing the orange dress? Do you approve? See, the back has a little cut-out so it’s not too boring. Are we okay now? Alexis thinks it’s kind of ironic that the women are always taking potshots at her marriage and yet two of them are getting a divorce. “My marriage is ticking along just fine and dandy,” she bragged. “The divorce word has never come up yet.” (Yet?)
And by the way Alexis has some words for all you women out there, all you mothers who tell your daughters they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. “The problem with liberal America today…” —Oh honey, for the love of, there is no liberal America or conservative America. There is America.—”is that this is the decade of being so liberal and women being able to run for president and women being able to do everything that a man can do and excuse me but I’m a woman. I’m made from my husband’s rib and I want to the wife and be his baby and his cherish. What he cherishes.” Where is my Bethenny GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP, YOU’RE CRAZY! button?
NEXT: Pretty much everyone at Vicki’s party got a glass of wine thrown on them. (Yes!)