Allow Vicki to explain: There are tire tracks on her back. See these tracks? They go up and down her spray-tanned backside, crissy-crossy and around and around. And there’s knife marks back there too, big yawning wounds that are infected by the toxic bile of betrayal. The hotel concierge had to pay homage to her tire tracks. And the lovely women who showed Tamra and Vicki around their Cabo penthouse suite and backed away slowly when the black-clad blondes invited to do tequila shots. And the lovely waiter who had the nerve to bring Vicki what she ordered. Sir, why don’t you just take that lime-soaked raw fish and rub it in the tire tracks on her back. Hasn’t she already suffered enough?
This weekend away was Tamra’s chance to make everything up to Vicki. And the woman was going to have to beg. There would be courting. And friendship contracts. And vows made seaside, as the sun set and the women held hands gazing into each other’s permanently eye-lined eyes. And if they were really going to be friends again, Tamra would need to stop flashing the camera her bikini wax and compliment her boobs every 10 minutes and rub Vicki’s back while she fell asleep, murmuring promises that she was the best Mom in the world and her kids would never leave her.
The ladies got their weekend started by painfully botching the proper way to drink a tequila shot when you are a dumb idiot at a frat party. Lick it first, or suck it? Shoot myself. Tamra wanted to talk about how she had sex for five hours straight to Lady Gaga, while bits of Vicki died inside that she and Don hadn’t touched each other since the night of their vows renewal. Speaking of bits, Tamra may want to have a vaginal rejuvenation procedure and I hereby declare that inevitable episode the end of my relationship with the Real Housewives.
It was only a matter of time before Tamra shimmied herself up on a pool side bar so a woman could lick well tequila off her belly while Vicki did frantic signs of the cross. Then Bizarro Don showed up and Vicki declared him trouble while teaching the drunks in the pool how to Woo Hoo. Later on, Vicki demanded vows from a thoroughly hung-over Tamra. “When push comes to shove and friendship comes to terms,” vamped Tamra, trying to come up with something suitably sentimental on the fly. Oh look, fireworks!
NEXT: Should Gretchen marry Slade? “Absolutely not,” says Dad (and America).