Happy Memorial Day, NJ Housewives watchers! Did you return early from your barbecues early to watch tonight’s tepid episode in which Teresa tried to make peace with her little brother? Or did you stay out late eating hot dogs and beer and downing all the other ingrediences of a good holiday weekend festivities?
Yes, ingrediences. You know, ones like that spice “come-in.” Oh, sweet Teresa. So much hair on top of that head and sometimes I question what’s inside. Not that it’s hurting her much. We first saw Teresa tonight walking into a shoot for her cookbook, presumably so she could diss every photo that the “food stylist” took. Meatballs? Not enough sauce. Chicken drumsticks? Hers are browner. Some other dish? No parsley. Well, it’s that kind of attention to detail that makes someone a best-selling cookbook author, right? That, and knowing how to make the word “ingredient” into plural. Okay. Just the first one.
Juicy Joe (ugh – I’m so uncomfortable with that nickname) called in during the book meeting to inform “Tre” that he’d run into Joe Gorga at the gym. Even the bejeweled orange smart phone couldn’t mask the bile coming out of husband Joe’s mouth when he said he wished he’d bleeped up her brother.
Meanwhile, at the gargantuan Gorga estate, Joe Gorga wasn’t as concerned with running into Joe Guidice because he had other things on his mind. “Poisonous” things. Man, this guy has issues. Melissa is starting to look more and more sane by the week because we’re seeing her alongside her terrifying husband. “Sometimes Joe will complain if we don’t have enough sex,” she explained. And if you didn’t already leave the room shouting “La La La”and covering your ears, you would have heard how Joe wanted some action after the fashion show, Melissa was too tired, Joe thought she should have downed espresso, etc. Once she got her horndog husband off the topic of sex, she turned the conversation to Teresa. (An uncomfortable segue if ever there was one.) Melissa urged him to get back in touch with her lest he become one of those “typical Italians” who’s estranged from his family. Not that Joe’s sex drive was done for the episode. He went at his wife again while the kids were in the bath (what is up with that? It’s creepy how watching his children bathe always drags his mind toward sex!), telling her that she’s a MILF and that “our father is a very sexual man. I guess I take after my father.” Again with the father? Let. The. Daddy. Issues. Go. And while you’re at it, stop talking about all the sex you want to have with your wife while your children are in the room. Or a camera crew is in the room. (What’s that? Oh, it’s Melissa, wanting me to add the line, “Or when your wife is in the room.”)
NEXT: Anything but Joe Gorga talking about sex