Avery scares me. Seriously, I would wilt in the face of her derisive downward glare. You know who else she scares? Her poor friend who had the nerve to suggest that Avery invite Justin Bieber or Katy Perry to her sweet 16 party. “I bet they’re going to be in town,” she stammered, looking for validation from her three silent, disapproving friends. Avery said nothing, giving a slight shake of her head. That little colt just got iced from Avery’s very elite group of everyone who is social in New York. Say goodbye to your chance at the satin wraparound bed/banquette! Hasta la vista to the mysterious David! Forget about a slow dance with Mario! You cross Avery and you lose. Go back to the cabinet you crawled out of, breakers and Bat Mitzvah themes.
Speaking of cabinets, LuAnn’s party planner might need to take a time-out in one. “Wow, you definitely look like you’re older than 16,” he said, appraising Victoria. No. Turns out LuAnn never had a sweet 16 party. (Who did?) Little known fact: LuAnn had tons of brothers and sisters—we got it!—and never got the attention she craved. The Countess took her Queen Victoria dress shopping and thankfully they both agreed that Paris Hilton should not be a teenager’s style icon.
Turns out Avery and Victoria are both celebrating on the same evening, which gave Ramona and LuAnn an opportunity to try to one-up each other at Jill’s surprise party. Ramona’s favorite game! LuAnn is throwing hers at a dance club in the 40s. Oh really, well, Ramona thinks that sends a weird message to underage kids, so she’s hosting hers in a 5000 square foot space in the 20s. Eat it, Countess. Victoria is inviting 120 friends, just an intimate little soiree with acrobatic dancers. Cute, said Ramona, except for the fact that they’re having 200 people because that’s how many friends Avery has and LuAnn wishes her daughter was as popular. Theme? Frost. Winter Wonderland. Battle to the death. As Ramona and LuAnn segued into arm wrestling, a magician in a purple jacket, who very well may have been related to Brad (am I right?), tried to amuse the disinterested women in truly terrible magic tricks. You weird me out, Mario, but that was kind of nice the way you threw that chucklehead holding up a giant dollar bill a bone. “Big money,” said Mario. “I got that. That was good.”
One year older, one more liquid facelift under her skin. Get ready everybody, here comes the guest of honor! Enh, it’s just Howie and his girlfriend who hates Ramona. Alright, get ready again. Surprise! Jill didn’t seem very surprised walking into the restaurant, though perhaps she hadn’t yet gotten a look at Simon in his Chinese robe. Jill wanted everybody to envy the diamonds earrings Bobby gave her. If you think that’s good, he also bought her a Diet Coke factory in Binghamton. That man will do anything for her.
Ramona wasn’t very impressed by the venue. Too narrow, too crowded. (But at least it had napkins.) She spent most of the night on her Blackberry, until a red wig appeared and she gave her most obnoxious Jill impression. For some reason Cindy thought it would be amusing to don a heavy Marie Antoinette wig and read a little spoken word. Kelly gave a very heartfelt toast to the tragedy of her tardiness. LuAnn came down the stairs with a peacock on her head. “I thought maybe it was a drag queen but it was LuAnn,” tittered Ramona. The Countess crooned, Jacques beamed, Jill texted photos of the party to Bethenny’s Facebook page, and Sonja locked herself in the ladies room with a busboy. Meanwhile, Josephine Baker’s son snapped at everybody to be quiet already.
NEXT: Sweet 16 party dance-off. It’s kind of like a breaker battle, but with giggly white girls in overpriced dresses clutching their phones.