A Count-less free life is definitely bringing out a new looseness in LuAnn. To say she’s warmer or funnier this season is probably an overstatement, but would the Countess of seasons past have emerged from the back room of spa to gleefully announce that she had just gotten her entire underside waxed? (“Take your mimosa in there and get it done!” she then hollered at Kelly. “I deserve a cupcake.”) Our girl, suddenly a woman of passion and appetite, is finally getting some. And Bravo is loving all of her blowsy, self-amusing bursts of sexual innuendo. “I don’t suggest you spit, dahling,” she told Kelly at Jacques’ Wine Connection speed dating event. “I highly suggest swallowing.” Haughty snicker, haughty snicker. “I do.“
Kelly is lonely. She wants a partner and a father for her children. Sea and Teddy deserve a normal life. (There’s always medication Mommy can take!) While she waits for the dating princess to leave a man under her pillow, LuAnn suggested she show up at any events where there’s the possibility of a European being in the room. So off to the Wine Connection Kelly went, with a horny-looking Sonja and an I-shaved-my-legs-for-this? Cindy as companions. Kelly got that sniffy, confused, creepy smile when she saw there wasn’t any Kelly lemon-aid on the drinks menu. It matched the expression of her Round 2, a mean aspiring actor who trained at Julliard and was terribly impolite to poor Cindy. Kelly, who doesn’t have much game, suggested they amuse themselves with a little improv, like they did in the movie Due Date. Hold on, let the man rearrange his demeanor from I want to kill you, you bore me so badly to I have cancer, marry me. Ding ding ding! “I have an announcement for you,” trilled LuAnn. “I’ve stolen Jacques’ bell.” Sonja promptly removed her stockinged foot from her speed date’s crotch and shook her decollete like a pom pom. Next!
Sonja dear, you’re worrying me. The audience is turning swiftly on you, and I fear not even your Doctor Zhivago hat will be enough to win them back. Still dewy from a yoga class, a private lesson taught by Brian, she deigned to meet Alex for lunch to discuss the fact that Sonja is disgusted by Alex and Simon, but especially Simon. This had the potential of being a very tense conversation so the fur hat stayed on. Here’s Sonja’s take on their nasty fight at her home: “Feathers flying!” Alex, employing her conciliatory Reunion voice, spoke slowly and softly. Legal, legal, legal, it’s not about us straight people, human rights. Sonja looked bored, and cut to the chase. Simon is a monster and she has taken a restraining order out against the man. Alex is a strategist, and she knows she can only handle so many enemies a season, so she proposed they drop the subject and focus instead on the fact that she is now a famous super model.
NEXT: Alex tries to smile with her eyes; photographer weeps.