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The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Seeing Red

In “Your Tweeting Heart,” Simon and Jill spar over mean tweets, Kelly deems the situation weird, and Alex’s neck gets blotchy again.

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Joe Pugliese/Bravo

The Real Housewives of New York City

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

These women, such marvelous friends to one another. The first half of the episode was devoted to Ramona’s desire to include Sonja in her birthday party. She just loves Sonja is all, the woman is her sunshine, her sister. Ramona decided that Sonja could have five of her own friends at the party, and two photos in the slide show. She was going all out for the celebration: Evites, napkins (happy now, Jill?), scallops. This party was going to blow Avery’s out of the water. Eat it, sweet 16.

Cindy threw herself a little party too, in what appeared to be a roller skating rink or the rich kid’s basement in which I first got drunk in high school. It was a vajewelling kind of a night which meant unfortunate shots of a lot of confused-looking men (and a gleeful Brad) lifting up their work shirts so they could get a tacky heart or butterfly glued on to their pale bellies. Jill sniffed and declared that real men don’t vajewel themselves. Cindy may have offered to wax Simon’s chest which made Alex snort her wheezy tire laugh that always makes me feel depressed.

Simon may have had too much to drink because he turned into short-tempered, sarcastic Simon (think: back of the cab, Alex’s birthday night) when Jill said she’d rather not meet him for a diet cola after all to discuss their residual tension. He’d had some things he needed to get off his waxed chest and now he was being denied screen time. Kelly thought the whole thing was really weird, though admittedly Kelly thinks everything is weird. What kind of man suggests meeting to talk? What kind of man does that to a woman? (I’m unsure what was weirding her out so much. It’s not like he was suggesting they talk over a couples massage or go to therapy.)

So now Simon felt spurned and he did rather creepily tell Jill to watch out. I hate it when my reality TV stars speak so mysteriously. Watch out for what? Jill was convinced he was going to sic his band of cyber bullies on her and did you know that cyber bullying is a real issue and all Jill wants to do is bring attention to the matter and by the way Skweez will be in stores this fall. Kelly just wants the mean tweeting to stop and for Simon to act like a real man. Whatever that means. LuAnn’s organizing a charity walk to put an end to social climbing. “Those two are desperately trying to have relevance with us,” the Countess sniffed. Oh LuAnn, someone needs to vajewel your mouth shut.

Uptown, Sonja was really having a rough go of it. She’s got no weekend help anymore. She’s married to her house. Someone dropped his Blackberry in her filthy toilet. So a strapping plumber came over to tend to her clog. The two admired each other’s rear ends but foreplay came to an abrupt end when he witnessed Sonja plunging her naked hand into the deep.

At least she seemed touched by Ramona’s white rose receiving line at the birthday party. (You! sputtered Ramona before Sonja arrived. You with the brown hair. You don’t belong here. And Jill for chrissakes, stop critiquing the hors d’oeuvres already and toe the line!) I’m wondering if it made Sonja feel more or less lonely being subjected to a slide show of Mario and Ramona’s 80s work-out looks with the occasional picture of her in her wedding dress tossed in.

NEXT: Kelly wants to berate Alex and Alex’s hives better not interrupt her.


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