Let’s get this out of the way, fellow Housewives watchers: I am not your usual recapper, Karen Valby. I apologize for this fact.
Last I heard, Karen had wandered out onto the balcony of a tall New York skyscraper, where she ran into Aviva and proceeded to tremble in acrophobic fear for hours. So frazzled was Karen that she had to take an immediate vacation. Where to? Hell if I know. Perhaps Miami, perhaps Morocco, but most certainly not Quogue. Everybody knows that would just be ridiculous.
So, anyway, you’re stuck with me — yep, the box office guy — this week, and I’ve gotta say, I’m feeling pretty tired of this season already. Whatever facelift the show was supposed to get by jettisoning Alex, Kelly, and Jill clearly hasn’t happened. Of course, I’m not the only one who’s tired…
Carole is too. She’s tired of writing her book, which haveyouheard? is getting optioned for a television pilot, and she’s extra tired of Claire, the quirky widow at the center of the story. Granted, it’s unclear how a woman with a tiger print sofa and leopard print pillows defines “quirky.” Carole is also tired of the Countess trying to use her designer friends, Ranjana and Naeem, to score free dresses and jewels. “Luann, you are my reality show ‘friend,’ and Mr. and Mrs. Face Yoga are my actual friends,” explained beanie’d Carole, who clearly underestimated the shamelessness of her fellow Housewives when she signed up for the show.
LuAnn is just tired of paying for dresses, that’s all. She has a high profile Life & Style photo shoot coming up, and dahling, what designer wouldn’t want that kind of promotion? Plus, it’s not like she can just wear David Meister — he and his satin cocktail minis belong to Ramona. The Countess will just have to keep shopping downtown, which is okay because she loves shopping downtown.
Heather is literally tired. She and her husband spend every waking moment together “tapping away on [their] Blackberries,” and never get to slow down. (Dear future wife, please don’t tap on your Blackberry while we are going to bed. That sound is literally the worst.) All they have time for are contrived caviar dinners with a full camera crew so they can tell each other how busy they are. The awfully staged meal was Heather’s only scene last night, which is good, because, frankly, I think we’re all pretty tired of her.
Aviva is tired because she’s trying to be a proper hostess to a veritable Tazmanian Devil (a.k.a. Ramona), who’s ruining what could have been relaxing vacation. For the first time this season, Aviva didn’t bow down to Queen Ramona’s every over-the-top statement. Well, she didn’t actually say anything directly to Ramona — she whined to Sonya, instead — but she did quiver angrily and take a definitive step closer to the “You’re both white trash, quite frankly” version of Aviva that ads have promised for months. During the girls’ obscene face yoga session in the pool (so this is what Brandi Glanville’s rejected BJ-party would have looked like), Ramona kept insisting that Aviva get her prosthetic leg out of the water out of fear that the leg, which, again, was already in the water, would get wet. “What’s the idea of getting her out of the pool?” asked a confused Ranjana as Ramona ran a towel over to Aviva’s side. “There’s wet and there’s wet and there’s wet!” Ms. Turtle Time explained frantically. All the unnecessary coddling was almost enough to prevent Aviva from focusing on the main task at hand: setting up Sonya with her dad!
NEXT: Gettin’ creepy with Aviva’s dad