Greetings, Garden State fans! As a born and bred Jersey girl (Let’s hear it for Scotch Plains! Anyone? Nunzio’s pizza? Bowcraft? Okay. I agree, it’s a lame town), I’ll be your tour guide through this season’s insanity. And bongiorno, insanity! I thought that without Danielle (did she really move away as Jacqueline said? To where? Who bought her house?), the show would be a sweeter, calmer Housewives. But after tonight’s jumbo-size premiere, I think we all know that’s not going to happen. Frankly, I’m still kind of traumatized. “Life is one big test,” Caroline told her family at one point. I am not sure what questions were on that test, but I can’t help but think the entire Guidice and Gorga clans have failed.
Let’s just get the boring stuff out of the way first. And by boring, I mean anything not having to do with the Gorgas or Guidices. In seasons past, each housewife had a storyline, but it seems Caroline’s power has diminished with each pound she’s lost. The lioness of last year was reduced to simply being a weepy mom tonight. Why? Albie and Christopher decided to move out of the Manzo manor (not to be confused with the Manzo’s Manor) to which I say, it’s about time. What happened to kids moving out when they’re 18? And even though they’ve probably got pretty nice bank accounts, the boys decided to get a carpeted apartment in Hoboken instead of, say, moving across the Hudson. Is Hoboken near their jobs? Nope. Is the apartment breathtakingly gorgeous? No again. Well, at least they won’t have to brave Lincoln Tunnel traffic to make their way home in order to fling pieces of ham at each other on Sunday nights. Caroline got welled up at the thought of her boys moving out, which was equal parts endearing (she loves being a mom!) and sad (please stop being so afraid of living life with an empty nest!). Maybe she was just sad that they were moving to Hoboken. Of course, the most tragic thing of all was poor Lauren’s face when she saw her mom breaking down. I have a feeling mama won’t cry nearly as hard when she moves out.
As for Caroline’s sister-in-law Jacqueline—once the middle-woman between the crazy and the famiglia—she had nothing to do with herself but visit her ridiculous and lazy daughter Ashley (my least favorite person on any reality show ever) at Lizzie Grubman PR. How much did Bravo have to pay Lizzie Grubman to “hire” Ashley? Oh, right, as Lizzie very clearly pointed out during the staged mom visit, she’s not paying Ashley anything. “She has to come to work every day,” Lizzie told Jacqueline, as if they’re at a parent-teacher conference. You’d think the concept of “working” when you have a “job” wouldn’t be lost of that dimwit Ashley, but apparently it was. “It’s hard commuting,” she whined. “It’s, like, money to come in.” After breaking down (another great idea to do in front of your boss!) Lizzie calmed her intern down by saying “I swear you’re like a carbon copy of me,” probably meaning not one syllable of what she just uttered.
The truth is, even Caroline and Jacquline seemed bored by their storylines. When they got together, they just wanted to talk about what was going on at baby Giuseppe Gorga’s christening, held at—where else—the Manor. And what indeed was going on? And what exactly went on between new housewife Melissa Gorga and her sister-in-law Teresa to get to this point of no return?
Next: Joe Gorga has daddy issues