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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Gold Python is the New Black

Adrienne hosts a barbecue for the Housewives; Dana brings her—”did you hear?”—$25,000 sunglasses as her plus 1.

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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Reality TV

The episode opened with shots of stilettos teetering over an expensive pebble driveway. Is this the perfect metaphor for the precarious life of a Beverly Hills Housewife? Enh probably not, but those little ankles looked dangerously close to snapping. Kyle and Taylor were stumbling up to Dana’s house for an awkward lunch. You know who else has a driveway like this? says Taylor. Fricking Lisa, that’s who.

Dana opened the door to her strangely bare mansion wearing a Showgirls dress and a ridiculous tiara. If the ladies could just wait in the other room she’ll finish up with her jeweler and stylist. Groan. On the way to breakfast nook Kyle grabbed a brochure of Dana’s son from the stack in the foyer. (Dana has put her son up for sale and her agent wants prospective buyers to understand what an amazing deal he is: An encyclopedia-trained 18-month Pilates master who speaks Thai. Recently renovated.)

“So how did your charity event go?” Dana wondered, pretending for a second to actually care. Not well, you f#$*ing rich cheapskates. She only raised a lousy $15,000. Kyle said she was still waiting for a final tally but the charity was pleased so she was pleased. Wow, said Dana, her voice thick from a lifetime of Kool cigarettes. “That’s why I invited you over actually because I just thought what you did was so awesome. And plus I like the way you dress.” Ladies and gentlemen, Dana!

Lisa has put it in her contract that she will only shoot scenes at Villa Blanca. It’s another working day for Mama so she held court on a white banquette sipping from various glasses of wine. In walked Bette, Kyle and Kim’s manager/talent agent. (Is it wise for these enmeshed sisters to share representation? Wasn’t that a most terrible day at the office when both of them were speed-dialing her after last season’s doomed limo ride?) Bette has had a brainstorm. What if Lisa was CNN’s special guest commentator for the network’s unnecessary coverage of the Royal Wedding? It’s perfect really. Lisa is a Brit, she was raised British, and she understands Brits. I don’t care how ridiculous the idea is, or how annoying it is that Lisa asked the CNN producer for an ear piece for Giggy and then waggled his bare little belly for the camera at the end of her segment. If it meant that we got to the thoroughly odd and charming earlier scene of her dear son Max trying to help his Mum with her clip-on hair pieces then it was worth it.

Later Taylor met Brandi for lunch and she’d managed to wipe the mean girl smirk off her face from the charity event. Now it was back to nicey-nice Taylor just trying to be sisterly. “I’m in marriage counseling,” Taylor confided, even though she’d previously confided to us, her reality TV audience, that her life coach wanted her to stop sharing so much of her personal life. “Been there,” said Brandi, who was with Eddie Cibrian for 13 years, and married for eight of them. “How’d it work for you?” asked Taylor. “Divorced,” said Brandi, who then advised a therapeutic process that involved stripping your ex for everything he’s worth.

Cut to Kim dusting her many heart-shaped glass frames holding pictures of her children, who’ve all wisely moved out and away from Mom’s demons. Now it’s just Kim and the nervous-looking housekeeper Elizabeth in the big purple house. “Sometimes I can go ‘Hello, hello, hello!’ and it just echoes,” said Kim. Oh doll face, sometimes my heart just breaks for you.

NEXT: Pool party at Adrienne’s! Bring Your Own Bitchy.


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