The good news is that Pandora didn’t go with the Cadillac-sized hot pink box invitations. The bad news I suppose is that she went with a more “modest” box festooned with swan feathers. The worst news is that all these years of watching Housewives has pickled my brain so much that I thought “cute! fun!” when I saw them. Poor Madamderpump was feeling under the weather which meant, strangely, that instead of wearing an XL Giants henley and some grey sweatpants she rocked a little black dress and diamonds. At least Giggy got to wear pajamas.
The 1% moved from the sitting room to the kitchen where they sampled exploding pink cocktails while the caterer smoked his head with liquid nitrate. Giggy sampled the lamb appetizer. Kevin pushed Lisa to splurge on the shi shi shi tartare. Ken sat there looking befuddled, wondering when he would be excused so he could nap in his pram. Pandi suggested they skip the cotton candy at the reception which opened the door for Lisa to do her best imitation of Taylor’s spun sugar BJs. (Taylor should teach a class! Kyle won’t attend!) Jason assured his bride that the Housewives would never dare squabble at something as sacred as a wedding. Oh sweet boy, so naive.
Adrienne is launching a shoe line, because she can. And while Louboutin may have the red bottom, the Maloof Hoof (thanks Lisa!) will be festooned with a shiny coin and a
diamond bedazzled rhinestone glued onto the sole. Because what girl doesn’t love diamonds? Or bursitis! Looking at those six+ inch heels made my Achilles whimper in terror.
It was wholly jarring to see Taylor and Russell settle down in some cozy leather chairs for a therapy session. Charles Sophy certainly seemed like a good egg, and I appreciated his work on Celebrity Rehab, but doesn’t a “Doctor of Osteopathy” specialize in joint pain? (Osteopaths, forgive me if I’ve offended.) The Armstrongs held fingers during the session, as Taylor told the good doc “we clearly love each other.” Clearly. Russell seemed pleasant, if overly convinced of their ability to seal the deal. “The good news is there’s nothing that’s happened in this marriage that neither one of us could not recover,” he said confidently. He knew he wasn’t perfect, what with the neglect and the demands of his work. “When you get angry…” prompted the doctor. Right, right. “Do you know when you’re getting angry?” the doctor probed. Possibly right now. Taylor started tearing up and wondered about the possibility of a quick fix. “Can you just have a clean slate today and go forward and build from there?” The doc looked at her kindly, and then gently asked her to come sit at the grown-ups table. “I appreciate that but unfortunately you can’t because that’s kind of immature.” Then Russell had to bail because he had a meeting and the audience was freed from the ghoulishness of the whole scene.
NEXT: Adrienne frets over her fashion show.