Raise your hands if you’re just hanging on for the Reunion at this point? Yep, it’s unanimous!
Let’s make this quick and dirty: Carlton changed up story lines on us and invited the camera crew to join her at a candle store rather than a sex shop. Here she informed us that she keeps a crystal tucked down her shirt so anything Kyle says to her bounces off her bra and sticks to her. Nyah nyah. Kyle had a coffee visit with Joyce and trumped Michael’s bout of food poisoning. She was in her kitchen the other day and instead of a sweet picture of Mauricio hugging his daughters the words bigot, travesty, wrath, and larvae scrolled across the screen. She has pictures to prove it! We all know this was a prank by Kathy Hilton but Kyle figured it was Carlton cooking up spells again so why doesn’t Joyce just leave her off the guest list for their Puerto Rico trip?
New best friends Kim and Brandi went to get spray tanned for the vacation. Avert your eyes! This meant of course that Brandi engaged in some more furious gossip about Lisa, which she strangely always brackets by saying how scared she is of powerful Lisa and then proceeds to trash the woman’s character. Quick question: Should Kim have worn her necklace during the spray tan?
Yolanda’s lemon grove is so last season. Mohamed’s garden take me away. Yolanda wore sneakers for a couple of hours. The end.
Maybe Jennifer had a date because Brandi brought a new model friend to Gigi’s party. She still had a thick tongue because of her baby aspirin allergic reaction. In the foyer Kyle and Carlton couldn’t believe they were both in coral outfits. I can’t believe that the two engaged in an air kiss. Meanwhile Brandi stiffened when Lisa went in for a kiss and the air between them was thick with perfumed tension. The entire fluff episode was redeemed soley because of Gigi’s lovely, sincere toast in which she beautifully thanked her three parents for loving her so well. And Yolanda, whatever her flaws, was equally charming and moved in her own words to her beloved. Kyle and Brandi were so overcome that they shared a napkin to sop up their fake eyelashes.
There was a weird bit where Kyle had Brandi deliver a missing crown from the peace offering necklace to Carlton. Lisa sniffed that clearly the jewelry didn’t match. Carlton found the gesture vile, because… Carlton. Brandi passed along Lisa’s response to Kyle who then fussed at Lisa for always having to fan the flames and play both sides. Lisa looked bored by the conversation and kept using the word gesture and wouldn’t admit that she’d perhaps been a little bitchy but it was because she was so bored.
Later Kyle pleaded with Lisa to just hear her out once and for all. She still had hurt feelings by the way Lisa handled the tabloid rumors of Mauricio’s infidelity. The jokes, especially in Portia’s presence, wounded her and she just wanted to acknowledge that once and for all so that they could truly move on. But Lisa wasn’t having it, and pooh poohed the idea that they had anything to move on from. It wasn’t Lisa’s finest hour. It wasn’t Real Housewives‘ finest hour. And at this point the only thing keeping me from giving up on the franchise altogether is the promise of Aviva’s prosthetic leg on the dance floor.