Oy, what a night. The episode started off so promisingly, with Lisa strutting around SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant), swinging her bottom around in those jaunty jeans! Ken grabbed at her for a little tickle before she went home to change and she handily shrugged the old cat off. “You can have your cuddle… next year,” she laughed. Rich people are fun!
Harsh toke coming. “Ken and I decided to um get a hotel closer into town… so we wouldn’t be making the drive… after the party.” So… wasted. Welcome to Kim and Ken’s tragic hotel room, littered with fabric and makeup and soda cans. Ice dammit, get her some ice! Kim was getting her makeup done while Ken shuffled around in the background, waiting for more orders delivered in a passive aggressive baby voice. Kim rooted around in her bottomless gold sack—close-ups into that thing would have been a bad idea—until she found her party trick. Isn’t this light-up pulsing lip gloss just the funniest darn thing you ever did see?. “I don’t know if it’s for your neck, your wrist, I couldn’t believe it,” she said, vamping for her bored European makeup artist. Then she barked at Ken to make sure she remembered to bring it that night because it’s not at all an awkward conversation starter and waving a vibrator around at a cocktail party will finally get her nagging sister off her back.
I didn’t predict chemistry between these two at the start of the season, but Lisa and Brandi are frankly adorable together. “Here comes trouble!” Lisa cat-called as Brandi arrived in a skinny red dress. Lisa promised not to untie this number and groused some more about Brandi’s towering height. “There’s my boyfriend!” she teased when she saw that charming old mushroom. Lisa pretended to be perturbed by his hanging around the leggy one and Ken gave a little shrug. (You always know what the man is thinking—when he’s bored, when he’s boiling over, when he’s being silly, when he’s sleepy—and yet he never changes expression!) “I’m too short for her,” he assured Lisa. “How about too married for her, did you happen to forget that?” she barked back good-naturedly. And if a waitress named Scheana banged Brandi’s husband well then by God Lisa will show the girl politely to the door. Now that that louse Cedric is gone—or is he?—can Brandi and her two boys move into the VanderMansion? Imagine the family dinners!
Adrienne took tiny steps into the restaurant and seemed unable to move her neck. Bernie followed not far behind and Lisa unintentionally paid him back for a season of twitchy sneers. “Now I know I know him,” she said, after he air-kissed past her, “but I don’t know how I know him.”
NEXT: Cedric wishes Lisa nothing but love. The kind wrapped around a glittering sheath.