The episode opened back with Brandi bidding Scheana adieu. The waitress scurried off to the bathroom to put on more eyeliner. Brandi presumably left Lisa’s mistress restaurant and rejoined her faithful ally at the more family friendly Villa Blanca. “Do you think one of your cute boyfriends could bring us a big glass of rose?” she asked with a quivery voice. Lisa ordered them each a glass, before wondering, “Should I make that two bottles?” Now that’s a friend. Brandi explained that before the actual meeting she’d been so filled with anxiety she’d thought she was going to throw up. (This may be the 100th time Brandi has mentioned her anxiety levels. Should we be worried?) But after hearing Scheana swear by her ignorance, except maybe for that part about knowing full well her boyfriend’s wife was pregnant, Brandi was left with a feeling of pity for “the lost soul.” If nothing else this storyline is really letting Brandi stick it to her ex’s reputation and LeAnn Rimes’ paranoia levels. Just remember, if Eddie ever tells you he has no cellphone service, he’s lying through his bleached teeth.
Poor Brandi had apparently been convinced that marriage was rock solid all along. “When we were together at home it was perfect,” she cried to Lisa. “He told me how pretty I was, every day….” (Okay, so in 2013, I want Brandi to make it a priority to address her anxiety—maybe take up hiking, watch Season 1 of Downton Abbey on nights the kids are away—and redefine what it means to be in a loving relationship.) It was no surprise that sniffling, teary-eyed Lisa behaved like a true friend to Brandi, even if she did pause when Brandi demanded to hear that Lisa liked her more than Scheana. “I need love right now!” insisted Brandi. “Okay you’ve got it,” allowed Lisa. “I’m going to shrivel up and die an old maid…” Lisa scoffed at this. “Oh shut up. In my guest house.” “Hopefully,” sing-songed Brandi. Somewhere in West Hollywood an angry tear slid down Cedric’s spray tanned, Botoxed face.
On the sunnier side of Los Angeles, Yolanda was back in her lemon grove, painted into another tank top and pair of jeans. Kyle, overdressed per usual, worried about joining her new friend at the top of the stairs because of all the bees. Yolanda told her not to worry, that her bees had been trained by a Tibetan monk to hum in rhythmic chants but never attack unless she clicked her shears three times. Yolanda was gathering lemons for another round of a master cleanse. (Master cleanse: “You don’t eat for 10 days.” Doesn’t that sound appetizing? “Can’t we just do a cookie cleanse,” Kyle teased despite Yolanda’s icy glower of disapproval.) Yolanda was disappointed to be introducing the wrong Richards sister to her beloved cleanse. She really thought a round of spicy, lemony water deprivation was just the thing Kim needed to get her life in order, but Kimmy had bailed on her three times. Kyle rolled her eyes, and then wondered again when everything went wrong between them. “When I was little she was like my hero,” said Kyle, remembering Kim’s heyday as a spell conjurer in Escape to Witch Mountain. “I used to think she was magic. If my mom wouldn’t get me something I was like ‘Well Kimmy’s going to get it for me.'” (Let’s all agree that nothing good can ever come from being a child star and anybody who escapes that phase of their life with a shred of sanity intact is a miracle.) “When we would fight she would dig her nails into me, draw blood, I would bite her. You have no idea how horrible,” said Kyle of their scuffles growing up. Does she think we don’t still have nightmares of the Season 1 limo scene? We have some idea of their rage.
NEXT: “Baby, there’s no plane.”