Vamanos! Joyce, so endearing at LAX as she nearly cracked acknowledging her father’s death but refused to let it become a storyline, wants everyone to have fun. The trip though got off to a painful start when Lisa and Ken opened the door of their hotel room and were stunned by the lack of opulence. Lisa tip toed into the bathroom, clutching her toiletry bag, and realized with a start that average people have probably urinated in this room in the past. “Giggy’s bathroom is bigger than this,” she said. (Giggy has a bathroom?!) “I didn’t come one holiday to relax and see Ken sitting on the toilet, let’s be honest.”
Luckily for everyone the views of the beach—I want to go into that bright shade of turquoise and never return—made up for the rooms. “This is why we came,” Lisa kept repeating herself, as if to banish the memory of 300 thread count sheets from her head. Everybody seemed ready to have fun. Kim kept muttering to herself in non sequiturs of Spanish (“A Coca Cola, with ice!), Mauricio and Ken kicked a soccer ball back and forth, Lisa’s breasts looked particularly relaxed. Yet Brandi and Yolanda were perturbed, although about what I’m still not sure. Is it that Lisa hovers too much around Brandi or not enough? Is it that Lisa has been a bitch to Kyle or is now too close a friend? Is Brandi jealous or disgusted? Would Scheana soon emerge from the water in a Forever 21 bathing suit that was never meant to actually get wet?
Lisa had barely placed her beachside order for a chicken sandwich when Yolanda, looking magnificent in her bikini, summoned her for a little confab. Are they Hollywood friends or real friends? Lisa wasn’t sure how to answer this. Then Yolanda wanted to know how it’s possible that Lisa could have called Mauricio a user one season and then be throwing a co-party for him the next. Valid questions perhaps but strange to be coming from Yolanda, who was really asking for Brandi, who took it upon herself to ask for Kyle, who she doesn’t really like but certainly doesn’t want Lisa to like more than her. The Richards sisters soon joined the discussion but Lisa quickly bowed out and joined the men. “They’re just mean and I want to go,” she whimpered. But dammit, the chicken sandwich!
Time for Brandi to drop a truth boom, or fire a reality cannon, or launch a based on actual events grenade. She claimed that before the Palm Springs trip Lisa noticed her spread of Is Mauricio cheating? tabloids splayed gleefully on her coffee table and tried to stick a couple in Brandi’s bag. Brandi resisted, which I’m not sure I buy, considering the pleasure she took in bringing up the rumors at that lunch. But Lisa kept trying to get them back in the bag.”I’m such an idiot,” said Kyle. Ten feet away Lisa and Ken fumed at the gathered women who clearly were discussing Lisa. “No thanks, been there,” she said. “Five against one is no fun.”
NEXT: Ask Scheana. Must we?