November 06, 2012 at 01:52 PM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

New season, new bumpers for the best Housewives of all. And nearly every one of them is awful and delicious.

The Vanderbee remained our favorite 1%-er. “Life isn’t all diamonds and rose, but it should be,” she cooed. Preach it, sister. In dulcet, untroubled tones.

“Money doesn’t give you class; it just gives you money,” said full-time Housewife Brandi. A zing on LuAnn? A surprise ending? Congratulations on your well-deserved promotion,woman!

“Know your friends, show your enemies the door,” said Adrienne, who by season’s end will have completed her physical transformation into a skinned almond. Ironically Adrienne did not appreciate when Lisa heeded her advice and did accordingly during the episode. More on that later.

“I like to have fun but I don’t play games,” said new Housewife Yolanda. Ha ha, wait, ugh, what WWHL guest hasn’t already used this generic number? The tagline needs work but there’s an interesting metallic coldness to Yolanda’s eyes. She’s a sober-Brigitte-Nielsen type of beauty who carries oversized pruning shears in the back pocket of her tight white jeans. She will trim your dead ends, ladies. Without hesitation.

“Life is a journey and I’m finding myself every day,” said Kim, which made me picture this twiggy sweetheart on a hamster wheel, running without direction. She’s a month out of rehab, and looking stronger than last season. But there is still a pained cloak of nicotine sitting in her throat and a fight-or-flight trigger at the subject of Kyle.

“I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills. This is my town,” said Kyle. Interesting. She went for some of the Vanderpump bravado—…”and I make the rules”—this go-round. Surprising move given how many fans turned on her last year. But how can anyone call a woman a mean girl who wears ill-fitting chinos while filming the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? If Portia ever turns on her, which doesn’t seem likely, there so go I.

And finally, in the most ill-advised tagline ever, Taylor: “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” She’s part small town girl, part viper. Every hiatus I tell myself I’m going to write a poor man’s Danielle Steele novel about this woman and yet I never do. Damn you six seasons of 30 Rock on Hulu!

NEXT: Let us adjourn to Lisa’s closet.

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