Patience, my friends. Remember that no quality Housewives season starts with a bang (except for that time in New Jersey at the christening, and that arc ended up a toxic snooze). This was a slow episode, with vague battle lines being drawn over elaborate lunch settings. But soon blood will be drawn. Of course it will likely belong to David the dog trainer. Kingsley, sit!
The hour began with Housewives commiserating to their housekeepers and nannies. Would that Blanca and Rocio were our two new Housewives! Yolanda was getting port removal surgery so Blanca had filled up dozens of empty Fiji water bottles with master cleanse potion. Do you want to know what it’s like to work for the very rich by the way? They make you go on a cleanse for 20 days with them. Yolanda was feeling vulnerable so she was in her security clogs. David Foster was there to be supportive, though I picture him telling the camera crew that he had 20 minutes to film and then he was outta there. But seriously David, our stoic gal needs you. “Lyme disease showed me that I could be a good husband,” he said, “because I’ve failed at that a couple times at least.” Though to be honest I can’t imagine a worse way to wake up from surgery than my husband telling me my kid was feeling weak and dizzy from her own fast. David, you could have easily handled this by telling the girl to eat a little bowl of butter and parmesan noodles. Instead Yolanda groggily advised her daughter to meticulously chew a few almonds. Yolanda, for that you get three raps on the head with a Fiji bottle.
Meanwhile Lisa was feeling a bit swoony about her all obligations. There was the house to run, Giggy to nuzzle, the SUR cast to pretend to give a damn about, and all that bloody dancing with Gleb (whose hotness got halved when he acted like a goofball at the post-performance dinner). Plus now she wants to develop a gay garden bar called Pump and Ken is after her to deal with the ur-eye-nals situation. It’s just too much. So was that a legitimate faint during her Dancing with the Stars rehearsal or a strategic wilting of her flower to get off the show? The Richards Sisters certainly called BS from Kyle’s enviable screening room. “Some people just aren’t cut out for fake faints,” declared Kim, who has had mountains of experience with the real and pretend kind.
NEXT: Taylor sighting.