The first slog of this episode was so numbingly boring that I feared Beverly Hills may finally have lost its delicious, ridiculous bite. Brandi disrobed and took a bath, under the guise that she does her best thinking in a tub in front of a production crew and her faithful friend Jennifer. Joyce nattered on about her start-up Queen of the Universe pageant and tried to reenact some scenes from Pretty Woman. (Andy Cohen to his Real Housewives casting team: You guys, big mistake with this one. Huge.)
Then Yolanda got some blood drawn and ate a macrobiotic salad with Gigi. Lisa got the boot from Dancing with the Stars and Giggy wore a little tuxedo in honor of her final bow. Brandi went on a lunch date with her realtor friend J.R. to supposedly dump him but really to snap at him for going to Texas with a bunch of couple friends and not invite her. “I don’t trust anyone and I’d rather break up with them then have them break up with me,” she explained. “So I’m all f—ed up, yeah. Welcome to divorce, bitch.” Welcome to a lame episode, bitches!
But then we headed to Carlton’s haunted house and things started to get a little freaky. So many things to ponder. What is with the crackly weird sexual tension between Carlton and Nanny Tinkerbell Elizy? Who’s taking care of the kids when Elizy is busy telling Carlton how much she loves her or serving lunch? I love a beautiful woman but surely there are more important job prerequisites when it comes to caring for two-year-olds, yes? Is tonguing your toddlers a thing?
In the limo ride over, Kyle of course wanted to discuss Lisa’s swoon during rehearsal. Brandi hopped to, and immediately declared that she’d never seen anyone faint so pretty and perfect. “It was a princess faint,” she said. (Cue Kim’s reenactment, the best unscripted moment of the night, when she tumbled off her interview chair in a Coca Cola red silk blouse heap.) My call is that Kyle was being a bit of a snip bringing the faint up to begin with, and Brandi was indulging in some low grade teasing of her friend. No harm, no real foul, until Brandi then went and brought up to the anti-Kyle faction and billed the conversation as controversial. For shame, Twiggy! In her retelling, Brandi distanced herself from the conversation, ground Kyle under the limo, and put Lisa into a huffy mood.
NEXT: Practical Magic