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The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Bartender, Another Drink for the Birthday Girl

Stuff happened, then a man popped out of a box and gave Kandi a piece of Ridickulous.

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John Amis/Bravo

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

The episode opened with some words of wisdom from Kim, who was still smarting from the beef at her baby shower: “Keep the ex-cons and assholes off the guest list next time.” At least Phaedra felt bad about the whole fracas, so she popped by with a sweet bassinet stuffed with noggin caps and lovies. Delightful shower, she oozed at a skeptical looking Kim. Venue, fabulous. Invitations, fabulous. Behavior, fabulous. Then a baby stripper named Fabulous burst out of the bassinet lining and stuck his uncircumcised wee wee in Kim’s ear!

Phaedra took one look at Kim’s cocked eyebrow and immediately apologized for the mess between Apollo and Peter. It was rather nice actually and Kim immediately shifted all of the blame onto that senior citizen Peter. (“What is he, 65? 75?” Oof.) Their tensions smoothed, Phaedra asked after the baby and recommended a drugged vampire style delivery.¬†Picture it: An Atlanta local theater staging a production of Breaking Dawn. Kim Zolciak’s name in lights on the theater marquee!

Peter may be 75 but he looks great in a pair of shorts, I’ll give him that. After seeing how Cynthia’s mother and sister did him so wrong on his wedding day — that clip of their soap operatic plotting never gets old, does it? — he can’t forgive the women. So Cynthia brought her sister around Bar One so the two could talk and move on. Not so fast, sister. Peter’s pissed, and Mal won’t apologize for worrying about Cynthia, who apparently was acting like “she pretty well wanted to kill herself” in the months leading up to the wedding. “Couples go through stuff like that,” bloviated Peter. Mal kept trying to explain herself, Peter went on repeat barking “Whose day is it?” Nobody was going to kiss and make up here so Cynthia inserted herself back into the action. “Ummm,” she said unhelpfully. Peter vanished. Mal cried. Cynthia sat there with the same expression she always wears, one of paralyzed pleasantness.

Meanwhile, Kandi was putting together plans for her 35th birthday. She wants a party, but her bottom needs to make sure the venue is large enough for the both of them. When Phaedra heard that Peter and Cynthia were on the guest list she decided to leave Apollo at home and bring “something only nature can create” as her +1. Hint: Her surprise for Kandi is something everyone should see at least once in their lifetime. A white screen and her slideshow from her summer road trip to the Grand Canyon?

An excerpt from Chapter 2 of Kim Zolciak’s parenting book: “Um, hello, I don’t want him growing up with his pee pee wearing a turtleneck.” While Kim grimaced over the idea of her baby son’s grieving post-op penis, Kroy acquainted himself with a teensy tiny Pamper. This guy! The scene of him changing that doll’s diaper was even cuter than the time he painted Arianna’s nails.

NEXT: Do donkeys neigh?


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