Will season 4 mark the dawn of a new, more dignified day for the Atlanta Housewives? “Oh, oh, oh, my boobs are so heavy and saggy,” Kim whined in the evening’s opening line. Nope, same old heifers, as Lawrence might say. (Possible new title for his EP.) One does have to give it up for the Zolz. Oddly, this atrociously vulgar woman makes for a rather attractive pregnant women. Maybe it’s the laying off the cigs and the chardonnay, but she looked oddly younger and dare I say fresher? Things are really looking up for Kim. She’s moving into a McMansion with a movie theater and a wig room; her fiance Kroy remains faithful and strong and dim, and even ding dong Sweetie appeared to have upgraded her weave. Is that little black dog Chanel new? And why isn’t she named Kool or Juicy or BeBe? Chanel licked Kim’s bedazzled phone at one point and I guarantee you those saliva streaks remain there to this day.
NeNe continues to confound. Bryson, now 21, and noticeably thinner, has crashed his truck and long since missed his three-month deadline to move out. Oh well, he wasn’t ready to grow up! The good news is NeNe is feeling flush with sudden cash flow and she’d rather the audience see her throwing it around than parenting. So she bought him a $13,500 car and bragged to her haters at home that she paid in cash. Winning? Her eldest still doesn’t have his act together, she and Gregg are still separated, and the best bon mots she seemed to pick up from Celebrity Apprentice’s Donald Trump were “to always negotiate.” Also, now that she’s single (or separated, whatever, details!), she’s ready to flirt. I hear Big Poppa’s available!
Can Sheree and Lawrence please have a spin-off? They’re the only two people on the whole Housewives franchise who seem to genuinely adore one another. Lawrence’s song — “I’m struggling!” — was not good, and I say that with love, but his best friend Sheree looked as proud as I will be of young Brentt one day if he manages to get his ass to college. Sheree is disgusted that NeNe apparently tried to backdoor her in one her promotional appearances at a high-end party. (Is this like a Chechnya situation?) They’re going to meet to talk it over later like sensible adults and there’s no way that conversation could ever go badly.
Meanwhile, Miss J. popped up in Atlanta to take a meeting al fresco with Cynthia. (These two should dress up as one another for Halloween.) Cynthia wants to open up her own modeling agency but Miss J. looked doubtful. Miss J. always looks doubtful though. “Come on honey,” encouraged Cynthia, “we got work to do. We are a long way from Paris!” There followed some deleted scenes from an early season of America’s Next Top Model, spliced with shots of Cynthia looking on knowingly.
As an attorney, Phaedra Parks is back. As an attorney, she has no qualms about inviting cameras into her great aunt’s funeral arrangements. She just wants it simple and elegant, like her baby shower last year if you will. “Would you like to have a dove at your service?” the funeral director wonders. Duh-ve. Maybe a hearse that tootles ice cream truck music and flashes like a bumper car? The cemetery can double as a kiddie park!
NEXT: Let’s just get the sex toys bit out of the way.