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The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Escape from Haterville

Bye haters! NeNe hits Miami with Cynthia and Kandi, while Kroy plans a surprise party for a very pregnant, practically incontinent Kim.

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Real Housewives Atlanta
Wilford Harewood/Bravo

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

If there’s two things NeNe will have us know about her, it’s that she is enormously rich and that, at least in her mind, which sees persecution everywhere, her enemies resent her her good fortune. “Bitch, I’m rich. It’s a fact.” Didn’t Oprah say that once? Haters, NeNe has a few. And so what our girl needed was a break from Haterville. Off she went to Miami for a weekend of fun with her girlfriend Cynthia and a possible Season 4 ally she’s auditioning, Kandi. From the get, the women had one thing on their mind, and that was some “strictly dickly.” Wouldn’t you know it? Pride weekend in Miami. Lesbians as far as the eye could see. And two Italian (?) gentlemen with a frisbee and no plans for the evening.

“You been throwing them legs back?” NeNe demanded of Kandi, while a little bell boy cringed in the bathroom, turned the faucet on high and started humming to himself. “What about your legs?” shot back Kandi. “I know you already knocked the dust off that thing.” Here’s a guess: The dust remains settled on NeNe, who may talk big about her love of  eaters, but I believe is in fact a nervous, flibberty gibbet of a thing when it comes to men. As in all matters, she talks hard, but does so to conceal the fact that she is a big mush pot who doesn’t have a handle on her strong emotions. Or, as Kandi so dispiritingly put it, “She has this angry, black woman side that is just ready to pounce.” Let me rephrase what Kandi said so as to avoid perpetuating bunk, clichéd, infuriating stereotypes: “She has this angry side that is just ready to pounce.”

Time to hit the beach! NeNe tucked her nipple back into her seashell-colored bathing romper and Kandi revealed to the world her force-of-nature thighs. “Kandi’s playground!” Cynthia and NeNe cat-called. Poor Kandi, who looked terribly uncomfortable with her body, said she wanted to lose 15 lbs, which was kind of a shame because every single scene this episode showed her eating like a cow. (And please understand that’s not a knock on the actual ingestion of food, but the manner of it getting mashed up in her mouth.) Anyways, Kandi was celibate for 10 months, with the thanks of her sex toys. Well NeNe is celibate too but she doesn’t want her coochie getting burnt up, thank you very much. Hey Neens, you know it doesn’t double as a curling iron, right? Cynthia has something to add to the conversation! She really likes kissing and sometimes kissing leads to the other thing. Later she went back to her hotel room and she and Peter had crazy phone peck.

NEXT: “I’m kinda book smart and I lack in the common sense arena.”