Let’s get a few things straight: 1. Apollo is dumb as a damn brick. The fact that this man ever tried to embezzle money from people means he possesses a level of delusion that might one day lead him to jumping off a building to see if the wings the nice man sold him will work. 2. The sexist bullsh– that is always simmering under the surface of this show is about to erupt so forcefully next week, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to speak about it in a reasonable manner. So let’s just enjoy this week while it lasts, while we can still just make some easygoing fun of everyone and remain blissfully “ignorant” (DRINK!) to how morally bankrupt half of these people are.
Let’s start this off right where we left it last week: “MEXICO, 1:35 A.M.” Well, that’s new information…and highly specific. Last week, I thought they were just hanging out in that liquor-stocked empty airplane hangar before they went out for the night, but now that I know they were ending the night there, I can judge Kenya a lot more for trying to get a bunch of married and engaged men to take tequila shots with her. She was only able to wrangle one though, possibly because you could wrangle Apollo with a lasso made out of a spaghetti noodle; he’s generally down to do anything and everything he shouldn’t.
Including, but not limited to, talking with his former sext companion, Kenya, while his wife isn’t around. But then, of course, Phaedra is there, arms crossed, brow furrowed, lips pursed, wondering why exactly her husband is talking to the woman she hates most in the world (but will still accept an invitation to Mexico from). Kenya explains to Phaedra that she’s speaking to Apollo because she wants to call a truce, and Apollo helpfully elaborates, “We on this good vacation and everyone wants to be bygones.” It would not surprise me at all to find out that Apollo is just a robot who strings together tweets from spam accounts to make him sound more like a human.
Before Phaedra can address whether she’s up for a truce (and/or light someone on fire with the sheer force of her anger — fingers crossed for Apollo), Nene and Porsha arrive and make enough of a ruckus that she’s able to escape. But not before she tells them what’s going on and then proceeds to call Kenya a variation of “whore” upwards of 1,000 times in her confessional. It’s not charming. Porsha, Unlikely Voice of Reason: “She should be as mad at Apollo as she is Kenya.” Yes, and really, she should be far more angry with him, as Apollo is her lawfully wedded husband and Kenya is just some woman she works with. She’s basically Karen in accounting who your husband won’t stop flirting with at the Christmas party. Sure, Karen is annoying and dresses inappropriately and always listens to her headphones too loud, but as far as the flirting goes, that’s a two-person street, and
Kenya Karen is not the only one on it.
Kenya, Voice of Nothing and No One: “I feel like this is done. Do you feel like this is done?” Let me tell you something Kenya, Apollo is not the one who finishes things in this marriage. And yet, they shake on being friends, and Kenya whips out jagged heart charms on chains for them to wear (“BEST” for her, “FRIEND” for Apollo). Apollo walks back to their room to check on Phaedra and finds her sitting on the ground because she doesn’t have a key. Instead of getting her a key or, I don’t know, apologizing for continuing to try to be friends with a woman whom she has very specifically told him she doesn’t approve of him being friends with, he pushes her on why she left the airplane hangar party. And then the best exchange in unstable marriage history occurs:
Apollo: You walked in there as if you were ready to be juvial and have a good time.
Apollo: It’s tomato, tomahto, so juvial, jovial, it doesn’t matter. You understand what I’m saying.”
Actually Apollo, at some point, your level of intelligence and ability to grasp even the smallest bits of simple communication do matter. But does Phaedra tell him that his little tequila date with Kenya is the reason she left all of her friends to hang out without her? No, no, she will continue to hold it against Kenya and not the man she purportedly plans to spend the rest of her life with. Apollo returns to the party. Everyone is terrible at stuff.
NEXT: Don’t go to Home Depot with Kenya…