You know what’s really fun? Early on in season 5 of Real Housewives of Atlanta, a whole storyline focused on Phaedra being upset with Apollo and Kenya for being too flirtatious on an international trip — and here we are now, more than a full year later in season 6, still talking about the same damn thing. Phaedra is still married to the same damn idiot. Kenya is still playing her damn mind games. And everybody is still pretending like they go on these damn “vacations” by choice. And dammit, I’m still riveted, because you just can’t look away from this kind of crazy.
I was, however, hoping for some fresh storylines last night, or at least a little advancement in the ones we’ve all devoted a year of our lives to (don’t think about that too long!). What I got instead was a very emotionally confusing time with some fertility-inducing shamans and another stretched-out filler chapter in Apollo’s Demise, A Novel by Apollo. And a whole lot of Kenya…way too much Kenya.
Confession: It’s always just a little too much Kenya.
The episode opens on Kenya meeting Miss Lawrence for breakfast, and she begins this day like she does every other: a quick workout, a healthy breakfast, and fat-shaming Phaedra. I mean, really, she doesn’t even get her napkin in her lap first. Whoever was feeding the cast lines this episode must have been hungover, because the dialogue is particularly lazy this hour. Miss Lawrence: “So, what did you think about dinner last night” Kenya: “I thought dinner had several revelations.” Oh, do tell. At first I have no idea why Kenya would even care about Porsha’s marriage to Kordell, considering that she barely knows him and she hates Porsha, but then I realize it’s all just so she can say the line she’s been crafting for days in the “Snappy Punz” notebook she keeps by her bed: “He thought he was getting a trophy wife, but she wasn’t much of a trophy.” I have a theory that Kenya is secretly a writer for Fashion Police.
Kenya says that she brought everyone here so they could open up to each other because she’s tired of the lying, especially with Apollo. She thinks it’s time for a one-on-one chat with him to clear the air. I can think of about 1,000 things it would be more appropriate for Kenya to do — perform a striptease in a church, rob a bank, start a cult of women who make up pretend boyfriends and believe that she is the Second Coming — than have one-on-one time with Apollo. But she says he can’t just “bust [her] upside the head like he did, Brandon.” Oh yeah, I forgot about Brandon, your best friend who was recently beaten up by the man you invited on an all-expenses paid vacation to Mexico with you. Hope your ribs are healing, dude!
Everyone meets up later to participate in the next adventure on Kenya Moore’s Detailed Trip Itinerary that Includes More than Just Fancy Dinners Because This is RHOA, Not RHO(any other city). I feel like she really missed her calling as a Carnival Cruise director. Today, the group is headed to do some cave exploration, and if you’re thinking that it sounds dirty every single time they say it, then you would be correct. The crew rides in two vans, and the RHOA editors continue to be some of the best in the biz, when they flash between one van where everyone is lightheartedly joking around as Gregg encourages Porsha to show a little shoulder in her outside shower, and then, over to the other van where Kenya is ruling with the iron fist of producer-enforced-dirty-laundry-airing. Eventually Mama Joyce is brought up and Todd kind of snaps at Kandi that it’s time to tell her mom that counseling isn’t just an option anymore. Most importantly, Cynthia is wearing overalls.
NEXT: Penis jokes…