Ah, yes, hello there. I’m so happy you all received the e-vite to join me on this recap. I would like to specifically honor each and every one of you with my favorite quote from last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta: “I love me some…grilled hotdogs!”
Alright, now that we’ve gotten all of the prestigious honors out of the way, let’s get down to business! Last night’s episode of RHOA was the most classic version of an Atlanta Housewives Cocktail:
– 2 oz. Unorthodox Workout with Gal Pals
– 3 dashes Hoodrat Stuff with Friends
– 1 oz. fresh squeezed Shade
– probably a heavy base of Peach Schnapps
– finish with a twist of Somehow Everyone Is in the Wrong Here
Last night’s episode starts off unassumingly enough: Marlo is getting her hair occasionally batted with a straightening iron by Miss Lawrence when Kenya stops by to answer their burning questions about everything they’re “seeing on the blogs” regarding the Pillow Talk party. I need to know what “blogs” these Real Housewives people are always reading to get their real-time information. Marlo and Kenya agree that when they first met Nene they looked up to her like a big sister as “a point of respect” because she’s “older,” but that’s changing now. I present this to you without commentary: Nene Leakes is 46 and Kenya Moore is 43.
Kenya delivers some more news: “I want to throw an elegant masquerade ball for charity…I want it to be like Eyes Wide Shut!” Can’t you just picture some president of a non-profit (I imagine a sweet little old lady, but let your imagination run wild) watching this episode hoping for some publicity for her philanthropy and realizing with horror that the recently donated money came from a D-list orgy?
Apparently, in the world’s oddest olive branch, Kenya has chosen for the party’s proceeds to go to Nene’s favorite charity. I get killing her with kindness, and the sucking up is more than evident, but this is such a roundabout way of making amends. But here, unnecessary parties are currency, so Kenya sends out her e-vites and uses her Nancy Drew hacker skills to see that all of the other ladies have at least open them.
That’s enough about yet another imminent-threat-of-orgy (Pillow Talk is still a little fresh), we’ve got an audition for Kandi’s Super Special Atlanta Musical to conduct. First, Kandi runs through the current cast: herself (I’m somehow just realizing this – is she playing the lead?), Eddie Levert (!), Shirley Murdock (!!), Q. Parker from 112, and D. Woods from Danity Kane. My mind can barely comprehend that amazing and hilarious compilation of performers, and not just for the use of initials-as-names alone. Danity Kane! The only thing that could make it better: Porsha and her newfound thespian passion.
Kandi’s ever wonderfully-named manager Don Juan has his questions about Porsha’s singing ability. And Kandi has worries about her acting ability. But I just have a big ass bowl of popcorn and a dopey grin on my face waiting for what is sure to be a disaster.
Unfortunately, it’s not the TOTAL train wreck I anticipated. Porsha’s main issue seems to be not having a full mastery of reading English, leading to improvising lines like the hot dog gem quoted above. But she moves onto singing “His Eye Is on the Sparrow,” and I will admit to you that it was better than I thought it would be. What I thought it would be was a heap of garbage. What it turned out to be was very lovely in the beginning and then maybe a little excessive on runs and volume and pitch the rest of the way through, but what do I know? If a man named Don Juan is impressed…well, at least there’s no way she’ll be cast, right? RIGHT???
And next on Porsha’s Littlest Bucket List That Could: roller derby. She figures this supremely aggressive and violent sport will be a great way to get the girls to come together without fighting. And it actually kind of works, probably because Nene doesn’t show, but maybe because it’s unifying to watch Porsha fall a lot. Kandi announces that Porsha got the part in her musical and Kenya announces that she’s sorry if she escalated the situation at the pajama party. Both are equally surprising, but only one inspires Porsha to say, “One day I aspire to win all the awards – a Tony award…all of it.”
Other future EGOT winner, Kandi, is doing a little Donkey Booty Workout when her BFF Carmon stops by to briefly mention that Mama Joyce is still out of her damn mind. No rest for the weary, Kandi, you must get your booty into donkey shape some other time.
Here’s how it went down: The “people in the streets” who have been giving Mama Joyce her false information about Carmon and Todd’s secret affair are apparently Benny, an associate of Kandi’s, and Benny’s girlfriend, Crystal. Crystal told Mama Joyce that not only were Carmon and Todd having an affair, but that Kandi caught them. When Carmon heard that, she called Crystal and told her what was up. And then…Mama Joyce called Carmon. I can really only do her voicemail justice with a full transcript: Carmon. What the f–k you call Crystal for? You know that sh-t damn true. But I’ll tell you one thing, you put your hands on that girl, I’m gonna drag your ass up and down the damn street like you was a damn rag. I wish to hell you would put your hands on that girl you old lowdown heifer.
I wish I had access to that emoji where the eyes are bugging out, because I really have no words, but that is definitely what my face was doing the whole time Mama Joyce’s message played. But Carmon has more! Benny also told her that Mama Joyce offered to pay him if he took Todd out with a bunch of women and got incriminating pictures of him. You know, like a psychopath bent on the destruction of her daughter’s happiness.
NEXT: All is fair in war and charity…