For those who sat out last season, let’s have a little refresher from always-punctual-to-the-party Kim Zolciak about what you missed: “NeNe and I got in this big argument and she strangled me. When she did that, I was so upset.” Yeah, I think that about catches you up.
Season 3 is going to be big. Not Sheree-is-engaged-to-an-old-white-chemistry-professor big, but Sheree-is-taking-acting-classes-because-she-can-totally-picture-herself-winning-an-Oscar-one-day big. Lisa is gone, thank God, banished to some workout room outside of Atlanta. Phaedra is in, and I already love her. She’s a pregnant attorney to the stars (Bobby Brown) with an ex-con husband who looks ripped from an E. Lynn Harris jacket cover. She struck me as mostly smart (“Apollo signed a prenup”) with a generous dollop of southern belle ridiculata. She also grew up with NeNe in Athens and does not find her ladylike in the least. Not that NeNe cares, because she thinks that Phaedra is a zero. “When we say fabulosity,” said NeNe dancing her fingers down like a drunken rain storm, “I do not see it.” I see it, Phaedra. I see it in your hats, and in the way you cannot quite pronounce foie gras but just keep going for it anyway.
Oh NeNe, you need a nap. You need a massage. You need a walk outside after dinner. You need a qualified therapist, preferably someone not on the Atlanta party circuit. NeNe, I say this because I loved you in Season 1: You are losing it. You are a mess. You’re still big fun, I won’t ever take that away from you. But you have got to get it together.
Everything is half-circus with NeNe, even her frantic preparations to get the house ready for her drinksy date with Kim. Yes she may have choked Kim last season, but with two new Housewives stepping in on her territory, the woman needs allies who bring screentime with them. So NeNe put on a backless gown (maybe a tad more back might have been more flattering), hired a chef for the day, and fluttered nervously around their impressive house. (I thought NeNe and Gregg were broke? More on that later…)
So Kim drove up in her white convertible and immediately proved she has not a changed a bit. Except for the fact that she came out to a supermarket tabloid as being in a bisexual relationship but that totally wasn’t for press y’all and love doesn’t have a gender so do not go getting it twisted. “I’ve been chasing dick since I came out of the womb, so NeNe’s not believing the fact that I went to the other side for a minute.” As you struggle to get the visual of a little wigged white baby toddling after horrified men in a locker room, let’s discuss why Kim makes such a fabulous Bravo family member: You can’t write lines like that. You have to live them. You can’t be canned for the cameras when you bleed tacky. (And lovely, reasonable Kandi could learn a thing or two about giving good individual interviews. That woman always sounds like she is giving bad line readings.)
NEXT: Let’s watch Kim talk about morals and values. No, seriously.