Phaedra may well be the most ridiculous Housewife of all time. Exhibit A: Her baby shower. Dwight, who has quickly ingratiated himself into every one of her scenes, grew a garden of white roses, plucked them with his teeth, and arranged them in her hair. She looked like a well-fed fairy maiden styled by a drunken squirrel. On his mistress’ orders, Dwight pulled together a troupe of virgins to dance at the event with strict orders that they were then to be stripped, slaughtered, and pureed into baby food. Apollo, who skipped town weeks ago, was a no-show, so that meant Dwight led Phaedra in a non sequitur of a waltz.
At a certain point Cynthia wondered if someone out there might stab her in her neck. Kim, who very nearly was denied wine for failing to wear a hat, displayed a rare moment of sense when she called bollocks (that one’s for you, Cat!) on Phaedra’s shower. “Sit in a rocking chair, open your gifts, eat some cake, and call it a day.” Oh, and poor Lisa Wu Hartwell made a brief polka-dotted appearance at Phae Phae’s baby shower. She looked great as usual, but even in her brief cameo—”Where’s Kim?”—was stuck in her same old role of furthering other Housewives’ story lines.
Just when I’d written off Cynthia as lacking in any real personality she went and surprised me by having the line of the night. Phaedra and Dwight, their palates cleansed by Georgia Peach Tea, were each other’s dates for the steeplechase party. “With those matching pink hats, Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Faye Bakker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka.” Welcome Cynthia! The deeply cool Peter, who will not remove his sunglasses for you, did not enjoy himself. He couldn’t decide if he was less impressed by Phaedra and her disdain for unclean men or the goofy limo she’d sent to whisk them off to the party. Phaedra was looking forward to the day because she is an equestrian, has been since she was seven years old. (Exhibit B.) Cut to NeNe, who was not buying such nonsense. “Me. Picturing Phaedra. On a horse. Ooooooooooooooo. Kay! Not a pretty sight.”
Speaking of NeNe, she stayed out of the fray all episode, not that Phaedra would have deigned to let any lower-class Athens sully her high-class affair. NeNe was busy getting her breasts lifted, her nostrils tucked, and maybe some of her pooch sucked. Her very lovely-seeming friend Diana played bed nurse, and Greg was very much letting all of her anesthesia-drunk dialing go straight to voice mail. Watching NeNe come out of her happy gas was like a little glimpse back to more innocent times in her Season 1 heyday. I dare say I found her a teensy bit adorable last night, as she asked Diana to call the other Housewives post-op. “Kim,” she moaned softly, “I’m around the corner.” “Sheree, I’ve got a surprise for you, I get to wear one of your bras.”
Sheree, I’ve got a surprise for you, too. That motivational speaker is only after you for the cameras. You’d be well served to keep opening up your own bottle of ketchup. In the meantime, you had the third best line of the night. “If I had gotten plastic surgery every time I had marital problems, I’d look like Dwight.”
NEXT: Are you there, God? It’s her, Kim Zolciak.